Studio: The Asylum
Director: Monroe Robertson
Writer: Jacob David Smith, Ryan Ebert
Producer: David Michael Latt
Stars: Eve Fournier, Roxanne G.C. Brooks, Charlit Dae, Samuel Selman, Dominique Swain
Review Score:
Summary:
Nine legendary warriors from throughout history, including Joan of Arc and Genghis Khan, are teleported to the future to fight in a deadly combat tournament.
Review:
Picture Frank Herbert writing the landmark novel “Dune.” Prior to publishing his sci-fi classic in 1965, Herbert spent six years on research for the book. The seed for his story was planted while gathering material for a magazine article on sand dunes in Oregon. Over time, the author’s extensive interest in expanding the idea would combine Middle-Eastern languages, complex ecological studies, Jungian psychology, and other influences to develop a rich fictional world that endures as an unrivaled work of immense imagination.
Picture Ernest Hemingway writing “The Old Man and the Sea.” At the time, the celebrated writer was desperate for a critical rebound while dealing with the dissolution of his fourth marriage. An anecdote that was once told to him about a man and a marlin had been stuck in Hemingway’s head for 15 years, so he finally hammered it out on paper over a six-week period and created a seminal Pulitzer Prize winner.
Now picture how prolific mockbuster-maker The Asylum comes up with its concepts. Presumably, the process simply involves looking at a calendar of major theatrical releases coming up and asking, “What can we pump out in a hot minute to piggyback on that movie’s marketing?” In this case, it might have gone, “There’s a ‘Mortal Kombat’ sequel? Great! Change the K to a C and ‘Mortal’ to ‘Immortal.’ There! Now go get someone to whip up a script and get this in front of a camera.”
“Immortal Combat” credits one person for its story and a separate person for the screenplay. They have different last names. Looking into their bios would undoubtedly shatter this illusion, but it’s amusing to imagine that the alternate way “Immortal Combat” came about was an uncle overhearing his nephew coming home from school one afternoon and saying, “Wouldn’t it be cool if Genghis Khan fought Joan of Arc and Attila the Hun? Cleopatra and Shaka Zulu could be involved somehow too!” Picture the uncle responding with widening eyes, “Kid, I’m gonna give you a credit for coming up with that plot and I’m taking the pitch to the people who produced ‘Sharknado!’”
The Asylum’s website summarizes “Immortal Combat” with: “A group of the great warriors on Earth are summoned to battle each other to the death to see who is the grand champion fighter, each with unique skills and weapons.” Apparently, it would have been too on the nose to say: “A group of cosplayers are summoned to a hillside in Calabasas, California, to see who is the most passable LARPer, each with weird wigs and Party City props.”
Either way, the premise is that nine legendary historical figures are inexplicably teleported to the future for a televised tournament that’s really a secret showcase where billionaires bid to buy the combatants. What a Jeff Bezos or an Elon Musk would do with ancient Iceni queen Boudica is anyone’s guess. In the meantime, Oda Nobunaga and the other assembled fighters are none too pleased about their temporal displacement, so they launch an assault against the shadowy organization controlling the Crimson Havoc tournament and its technology, which is operated by just three people in a soundstage’s broom closet.
Like microdosing poison in amounts too small to kill you, movies from The Asylum are pretty tolerable when you only consume one every couple of years. They’re the closest 21st-century equivalent to the Full Moon features of yesteryear, when a kid could get excited about bringing home a bag of Funyuns and a root beer to enjoy alongside a bad B-movie from the corner video store. Who needs the cheddar of “Puppet Master’s” killer dolls or “Subspecies’” vampire minions when you’ve got the Swiss of “Immortal Combat’s” eyepatch-wearing host, unexplained regeneration chambers, and WWE-style interstitials where Attila the Hun and Joan of Arc scream at each other in front of CGI fire like they’re about to face off at Hell in a Cell?
The Asylum’s movies are immune to numerical values because you can’t quantify cheapness, cheesiness, or campiness when that’s the brand that’s specifically on display. This applies to more Asylum movies than just “Immortal Combat,” but you can’t criticize performances from unknown actors, laughable computer effects, or illogical plot beats when you’ve willingly pressed Play on a movie that makes a UFC fighting fantasy out of a sixth grader’s history textbook. A 50/100 score means as much as a 0 or 100, any of which could technically rate “Immortal Combat” for how much sense it even makes to try ranking its ridiculousness at all.
The Asylum’s movies aren’t built for big screens. They’re made to play in the background on countertop tablets while prepping dinner. “Immortal Combat” has so much nonsense going on, there’s no danger of missing much or being unable to follow along no matter how often you’re distracted by a kitchen timer, preheating oven, or ordinary bird flying by the window. There’s something to be said for filler flicks that don’t demand anyone’s undivided attention, although it’s unclear what that is here since there isn’t much left to be said for “Immortal Combat.”
Review Score: 50
A group of cosplayers are summoned to a hillside in Calabasas, California, to see who is the most passable LARPer, each with weird wigs and Party City props.