COLD STORAGE (2026)

Studio:   Samuel Goldwyn Films
Director: Jonny Campbell
Writer:   David Koepp
Producer: Gavin Polone, David Koepp
Stars:    Georgina Campbell, Joe Keery, Sosie Bacon, Vanessa Redgrave, Lesley Manville, Liam Neeson, Richard Brake, Aaron Heffernan, Ellora Torchia

Review Score:

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Summary:

An extraterrestrial fungus capable of grotesque mutation brings together a retired military expert and two storage facility employees to stop a deadly outbreak.

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Synopsis:     Show/Hide Spoilers

18 years ago in Kiwirrkurra, a small town in Western Australia, local man Enos Namatjira frantically phones NASA, who patches his call through to research microbiologist Dr. Hero Martins in Rome. Enos hurriedly explains that something came out of an oxygen tank that had been on display in a roadside attraction as part of debris that fell from the Skylab space station crash in 1979, and now people are dying horribly. Recognizing the extreme danger, Hero immediately rushes to Australia.

27 hours later, Hero meets Robert Quinn and Lt. Col. Trini Romano of the U.S. Army’s Defense Threat Reduction Agency in Kiwirrkurra to perform HAZMAT containment. Hero explains that when the oxygen tank fell to Earth, it came back with an extraterrestrial micro-fungus that mutated into a new species. Seeing dead bodies burst open from inside, Hero warns that any infected human or animal grotesquely transforms into a zombie-like organism whose behavior the fungus can control.

Hero collects a sample as Robert and Trini advise they should leave Kiwirrkurra immediately. Unaware that some of the fungus ate through her boot and got inside her containment suit, Hero rapidly becomes infected and attacks the other two. However, Hero retains enough sentience to shoot herself so she does not kill Robert or Trini.

A subsequent U.S. military operation extracts Robert and Trini, retrieves the fungus sample Hero collected, and bombs the entire area. The biohazard material is then taken to Missouri River Bluffs, Kansas, where it is stored in a secure, underground facility in Atchison Mines.

18 years later, Atchison Mines is now a self-storage facility after being decommissioned by the government. Arriving for his shift as a security guard at the facility, underachiever Travis, who goes by his nickname “Teacake,” learns from his sketchy boss Griffin that he will be working with a new security guard, single mother Naomi, for the night.

Elderly widow Mary Rooney comes to the building to get into her storage unit. There, Mary reminisces about her husband as she contemplates suicide with a handgun on their anniversary.

Teacake and Naomi begin bonding as they search for the source of a beeping noise somewhere in the building. Behind a wall, they find military equipment that eventually leads them to an underground chamber where they discover a swarm of mutated rats outside a sealed door leaking green fungal slime.

Now retired from active duty, a phone call from the Defense Threat Reduction Agency wakes Robert Quinn in his Raleigh, North Carolina home where he lives with his wife Annie. From an operative who goes by the name Abigail, Robert learns DTRA received a temperature breach alert from their former facility in Atchison Mines. Identifying the adaptable fungus as the worst threat imaginable, Robert advises Abigail to only work with him on the sensitive situation.

Mike Snyder, the father of Naomi’s daughter, arrives at the storage facility in a panic because he accidentally shot his parents’ cat and needs Naomi’s input. Unaware that fungus on the ground got into his car, Mike is shocked to find the cat reanimated when he opens the trunk. Mutated by the fungus, the cat climbs an antenna and impales its head. The cat’s head explodes, causing Mike to become infected by green goop. Once he mutates, Mike arms himself with a handgun and enters the facility alongside an infected deer.

Wesley Jerabek, who is skeptical of the danger the fungus poses, takes over Robert’s containment task, which hamstrings the operation. Believing Robert about how dire the situation is, Abigail starts working with Robert on a private channel so they aren’t impeded by Jerabek. Robert instructs Abigail to contact Trini Romano so they can activate their failsafe plan, which is to destroy the facility and fungus with a small nuclear weapon.

Teacake and Naomi are shocked to encounter the mutated deer. The deer charges, but it explodes before reaching the duo.

Mike confronts Naomi, demanding to vomit in her mouth. Alarmed by his grotesque appearance, Naomi and Teacake flee as Mike fires his gun at them. Naomi and Teacake hide in one of the storage units and call an emergency number they found earlier.

Robert meets up with Trini upon landing in Kansas. Abigail patches through Naomi’s call so he can get details on what is happening at the storage facility. Robert assures Naomi and Teacake that he is on his way, and they are safe, even though he and Trini both believe the two security guards will die.

Teacake and Naomi’s boss Griffin returns to the building with his motorcycle gang, which includes Ironhead, Dr. Friedman, The Rev, Garbage, and Cuba, to retrieve a stash of TVs from one of the units. Incensed to see fungus spreading everywhere, Griffin loudly announces his plan to fire Teacake.

Trini takes Robert to her son Anthony’s house to retrieve the ordinance she secretly stashed there. After an awkward encounter with her son, Trini hands over the bomb to Robert and says goodbye.

Wanting to warn Griffin’s gang about the fungus, Teacake and Naomi leave their hiding spot only to find Mike vomiting green goo all over Ironhead, Garbage, and Cuba. Mike locks the three infected bikers in a storage unit before turning his attention toward Naomi and Teacake. Roused from slumber in her storage unit, Mary Rooney emerges to save Naomi and Teacake by shooting Mike, who subsequently explodes.

The Rev loads up a truck with TVs and leaves by himself. Griffin and Dr. Friedman confront Teacake with a threat to shoot him, but Naomi rescues Teacake by spraying the other two men with a fire extinguisher.

Teacake and Naomi rush outside and meet Robert. With his movements aided by Abigail’s satellite surveillance, Robert sends Teacake and Naomi back inside to plant the bomb while he hunts down and kills anyone infected.

Griffin and Dr. Friedman free Ironhead, Garbage, and Cuba only for Dr. Friedman to also become infected. Cuba’s head spontaneously explodes.

Robert kills Dr. Friedman outside the building, but Robert’s bad back causes him to collapse to the ground. From that position, Robert still manages to shoot Ironhead. Griffin exits to shoot Robert, but he is interrupted by the sudden arrival of Trini, who shoots Griffin dead.

When they plant the bomb outside the room where the fungal leak originated, Teacake and Naomi discover Robert already activated the device’s timer, giving them less time than they thought to escape. While fleeing the building, the two of them encounter Garbage. Naomi kills Garbage with gunfire.

Teacake and Naomi escape outside where they regroup with Robert and Trini. Teacake relays his suspicion that Robert activated the timer early because he planned on Teacake and Naomi dying, but Robert claims he had a hunch they’d still make it out in time. Teacake, Naomi, Robert, and Trini speed away from the scene as the bomb explodes, destroying the facility.

Wesley Jerabek’s mishandling of the situation leads to his public disgrace while Robert is hailed as a hero in the aftermath. Abigail visits Robert during his recovery in a hospital to thank him for inspiring her.

Teacake and Naomi begin a relationship. While playing with Naomi’s daughter in a park, Teacake finally tells Naomi how he earned his nickname. Elsewhere, an infected deer spews green slime in a forest.

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Review:

Since I didn’t read the novel “Cold Storage” is based on, I can’t speak to whether the film’s inconsistent flavors carry over from how the source handles the same material, perhaps explaining why some weirdness comes from “why are these necessary?” inclusions. Yet since David Koepp wrote both the book and this adapted screenplay, he presumably knows the storytelling intentions better than anyone, making it more puzzling why the movie feels like key elements are missing or don’t always mesh well with each other.

It shouldn’t take 15 minutes to set up the simple premise. “Cold Storage” uses that much time anyway, starting with large letters screaming “PAY ATTENTION” followed by “This sh*t is real.” That text is then destroyed by streaking space debris in a flippant bit that hints there’ll be at least a light air of self-aware glibness breezing through everything coming next.

The remaining 14 of the first 15 minutes can be summed up in 13 words. Extraterrestrial fungus capable of bursting bodies bursts bodies before being captured and contained.

For 18 years, this extremely dangerous biohazard sample sits securely in a U.S. military compound built over remote Kansas mines. During that time, however, the installation is decommissioned, leaving the place to become a self-storage facility that still has mutant fungus stashed somewhere inside.

It wouldn’t be a horror-comedy if Atchison Self-Storage wasn’t staffed by mildly quirky employees. Sketchy boss Griffin doesn’t stick around long, although he returns later to relieve a unit of its big-screen TV stash with his biker gang, whose members have nicknames like Cuba, Ironhead, and Garbage. Someone else who goes by a nickname is Teacake, an underachiever type who of course has a heart of gold. Teacake takes up his overnight security shift at the facility with new guard Naomi, an attractive single mother whose fast-thinking brain complements Teacake’s fast-moving mouth.

While searching the building for the source of a strange sound that will inevitably lead to a deadly new outbreak, Naomi and Teacake build a bond that squeezes the appeal of actors Georgina Campbell and Joe Keery for juice, because their characters’ scripted interactions are often dry. In one exchange, Naomi tells Teacake, “I don’t drink.” Through an incredulous sneer, Teacake asks, “Not even for one beer?” Naomi sarcastically sneers back, “That would be drinking.” Not every bite of banter has to be a clever banger, but when chemistry needs to be created between two leads, early dialogue ought to work harder than this.

This is especially true when so much of the movie’s midsection follows Naomi and Teacake on leisurely tours of long concrete tunnels, tube ladders, and plain-walled rooms that are bland to look at while waiting for the two of them to finally make it somewhere that matters. Their conversations take curious turns in the interim, such as when Naomi brings up having a daughter at 18 with an unfortunate choice for a father. Teacake asks if Naomi ever had second thoughts or regrets about keeping her kid. Part of his personality is to be, in Naomi’s words, loquacious, but their lines sometimes yank the movie’s mood in different directions without the cast or director appearing to notice the tone’s erratic temperature.

For a movie that’s partly a comedy, “Cold Storage” has a broken compass when it searches for funniness. Two people turn guns on themselves to commit suicide, one being a self-sacrificial moment and the other being a grieving widow who ultimately doesn’t pull the trigger. Naomi’s ex also shows up with a gun after using it to accidentally kill a cat, then wanting to use it on his daughter’s mother after the fungus makes him violent. Griffin gets visibly giddy when he hears gunfire, giving him an excuse to kill Teacake as a supposed “active shooter.” So many guns are pulled in threatening ways, one might mistake “Cold Storage” for a Quentin Tarantino movie, a comparison that wouldn’t come to mind if “Cold Storage” didn’t sprinkle scenes of self-inflicted harm and potential domestic abuse around its questionable sense of humor.

Playing a former military man who gets brought back to help Naomi and Teacake once the infection spirals out of hand, Liam Neeson, famous for having a very particular set of skills, doesn’t use those skills much. Instead, Neeson does the bulk of his work over the phone. Woken from sleep, Neeson takes a call in his bedroom. Next, he moves to his study for a more private conversation. Then he’s on the phone in an airplane. Then he’s on the phone while riding in a car. Being in moving vehicles doesn’t count as action, inspiring viewers to get on their own phones out of boredom, maybe to look up a movie where Liam Neeson does something more exciting than talking.

More than once, “Cold Storage” is likely to make a viewer wonder, “what’s the point of this?” Why does text need to tell us a microbiologist is located in Rome when she takes a phone call, ironically not one involving Liam Neeson? Why does text also tell us Neeson’s character now lives in North Carolina when he’s reintroduced 18 years after the prologue? Is the scene where Vanessa Redgrave suddenly wakes up from a nap in her storage unit reflective of how the audience is also suddenly remembering her existence over a half hour after she was first introduced and then promptly forgotten about?

The film’s best foot forward stands on a straight leg of gnarly effects where animals and humans alike explode in gory blasts of green goo. Combining fungal phobias with B-movie splatter, the horror hits like “The Last of Us” meets a “Garbage Pail Kids” grossout. But the story jumps around its concurrent threads so choppily and gets buried so deep in an identity crisis regarding disparate territories it tries to cover, the few and far between fun feels like a fireworks show without music, a holiday, or a sports team victory to give it entertaining context. “Cold Storage’s” other leg wobbles on the waning strength of actors who’ve been better served by pretty much every other project they’ve been in, as they’re stuck in a mediocre one here.

Review Score: 50

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