The obvious question on everyone’s mind is, “What the hell is Bruce Willis doing in direct-to-streaming slums?”

There’s something cozily comforting about a workaholic woman reluctantly returning to her hometown, rekindling an old flame, and saving an artisanal cheese shop from foreclosure.

Man, Valter sure did draw the short straw among the four Skarsgard brothers who became actors, didn’t he?

While its contemporary relevance can be questioned, “Archenemy” at least has enough energy to be enjoyable, even if goofiness sometimes waters down grittiness.

“Songbird” is something of a cinematic cousin to that celebrity cover of ‘Imagine,’ i.e. perhaps good intentioned, but not exactly a powerhouse piece of well thought out entertainment.

“Blade: The Iron Cross” pours two tons of cement over Full Moon’s grave to ensure the corner-cutting company has no chance of rising to its former B-movie glory ever again.

Whether it’s being sassy, silly, stabby, or even sentimental, the breeziness behind “Freaky” makes the movie’s mixture an easy treat to swallow.

The best thing I can say about “Castle Freak” 2020 is that it feels like a “lost” Full Moon feature from the 1990s, and I mostly mean that as a compliment.

Whatever drinking game you choose, you’ll have alcohol poisoning before the 20-minute mark. Don’t worry about dying though. The boredom will have already killed you.

Picture a Lifetime movie that weirdly wonders, what if a daughter discovered mom’s too-good-to-be-true new boyfriend is secretly a shapeshifting Lovecraftian fish monster?

“The Vigil” writes an excellent essay about dealing with personal trauma that gets a little drowsy due to taking scenic sidetracks on every quiet route to a paranormal pop.

We receive a grounded story that gets to be chilling without viewers feeling like they need to visit a priest or psychiatrist to treat lasting nightmares afterward.

“Fulci for Fake” avoids becoming a plain talking head collage that feels like a bland Blu-ray bonus feature instead of a bona fide documentary.

The filmmakers know they’re not creating the next “Psycho.” As long as you’re in the market for simple suspense fare, you’ll appreciate their no-frills approach to a familiar chiller.

It’s a gift that keeps on giving, except that gift is a six-pack of socks or repurposed fruitcake, not quite the sleek and trendy PS5 you were hoping for.

Try picturing cigarette burns, a slight sepia patina, and dirty scratches clawing at the screen. Suddenly “Revenge Ride” becomes intoxicating in a bizarro cult classic kind of way.

If Netflix knew a proper way to promote, you’d have already watched “Vampires vs. the Bronx” and come to the conclusion it’s the year’s most fun fright film.

A snoozer story centered on unbelievably bland boys and girls sentenced “The New Mutants” to death long before distribution delays did.

“The Nights Before Christmas” still looks like adults playing make-believe, but at least it puts up an effort to appear like the scope is realistic.

“It Cuts Deep” puts me in a bit of a critic’s pickle. Maybe not a full-size pickle. Maybe more of a cornichon.