SANTA JAWS (2018)

Studio:       Syfy
Director:    Misty Talley
Writer:       Jake Kiernan
Producer:  Ken Badish, Daniel Lewis
Stars:     Reid Miller, Courtney Lauren Cummings, Carrie Lazar, Jim Klock, Hawn Tran, Haviland Stillwell, Miles Doleac, Arthur Marroquin, Scott Allen Perry, Ritchie Montgomery

Review Score:

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Summary:

A small town family bands together with friends to battle a killer Christmas shark when it comes to life from a comic book.

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Synopsis:     Show/Hide Spoilers

For his hand-drawn comic book “Santa Jaws,” aspiring artist Cody imagines a hero named Casey rescuing captive woman Jenny from an evil man dressed as Santa Claus. Casey kicks the man in the water where a shark magically empowered by Christmas devours him. Cody and his best friend Steve, who wrote the comic book, leave “Santa Jaws” with Big Easy Comics shop owner Clark.

Cody’s uncle Mike arrives at Cody’s family’s house with his new wife, social media model Georgia, to spend Christmas with Cody’s parents Peter and Caroline, Cody’s older brother Josh, and Cody’s grandfather Papa Joe.

Caroline grounds Cody when his principal calls to tell her about an offensive cartoon Cody posted online. In his bedroom, Cody finds an antique pen in a box with a German inscription left as a gift by Papa Joe. While wishing he could be alone, Cody uses the pen to ink a sketch of Santa Jaws. At the same time, Santa Jaws supernaturally comes to life in the Port City marina.

Cody goes fishing with Papa Joe on Christmas Eve morning. Cody tells Papa Joe about the crush he has on Jena, a classmate who recently moved in across the street. Santa Jaws suddenly pulls Papa Joe into the water.

Cody rushes home to tell his family about the shark that killed Papa Joe. Disbelieving his wild claim, Caroline grounds Cody for another week before taking the rest of the family to her restaurant to prepare for their annual community dinner.

Cody tells Steve and Clark that he needs the Santa Jaws comic back because the shark somehow came to life. Clark tells Cody that he gave the comic to Jena, who is also a comic book fan.

Mike takes Georgia to the family boat, but is unable to start it due to Christmas lights tangled in the propeller. Georgia witnesses Santa Jaws attacking and killing her husband.

Cody and Steve go to Jena’s to retrieve the comic. Jena explains that she left it on her father’s boat at the marina.

Georgia tells Peter, Caroline, and Josh that a shark with a Santa hat on its dorsal fin killed Mike. Peter and Caroline send Georgia home with Josh. Realizing his brother was telling the truth, Josh takes Georgia to the comic shop to find Cody.

After retrieving the “Santa Jaws” comic book, Jena, Cody, and Steve see the shark maul a man dressed as an elf on the docks. The trio regroups at the comic shop where they meet up with Josh, Georgia, and Clark.

Peter and Caroline go to the boat looking for Mike. They realize Cody was telling the truth when they briefly encounter Santa Jaws.

While everyone formulates an attack plan at the comic book shop, Steve finds the pen Papa Joe gifted Cody. Jena translates the German inscription, which leads Cody to believe the pen might be magical. Cody drops the pen on the floor as he, Steve, Jena, Georgia, and Josh rush back to the marina to fight Santa Jaws.

Cody, Steve, Jena, Georgia, and Josh play Christmas music on Josh’s phone to draw out the shark. After their attacks with ordinary weapons fail, Santa Jaws drags Georgia into the water.

Cody, Steve, Jena, and Josh flee. Based on what happened, Jena concludes that only Christmas-related items can injure Santa Jaws. The four of them look for decorations to use as weapons.

Steve and Josh have a confrontation about their conflicting cliques while retrieving explosives and ornaments. Cody and Jena get to know one another while sharpening candy canes.

Steve, Josh, Jena, and Cody chum the water with Christmas cookie bait to lure Santa Jaws once again. The quartet attacks with their explosive ornaments and candy cane projectiles, but the shark still swallows Steve.

After stops at home and the fishing pier looking for their sons, Peter and Caroline go to the comic shop. Clark tells them that Cody and Josh went to the marina to fight Santa Jaws. At the marina, Caroline shoots an alligator she mistakes for the shark.

Jena reminds Cody about the magic pen, but Cody discovers it isn’t in his bag. Meanwhile, Clark finds the pen and becomes entrancingly compelled to exploit its powers.

When Cody, Jena, and Josh return to the comic shop for the pen, they find that Clark used it to create money, a car, and a Russian girlfriend named Svetlana. Clark flees. Cody, Jena, and Josh chase Clark to the boat docks on bikes.

Preparing to escape in a rowboat, Clark refuses to give the pen back. Jena jumps in the water to grab the pen from Clark’s hand. Jena tosses the pen to Cody. Santa Jaws appears and eats both Clark and Jena.

At Josh’s suggestion, Cody uses the pen to black out Santa Jaws’ teeth on a splash page in the comic book. Cody also draws a candy cane harpoon for impaling the creature, but it only ends up giving Santa Jaws a horn.

Realizing Santa Jaws is going after their family, Cody and Josh reunite with their parents at Caroline’s restaurant. After some conflict regarding the parents believing in Cody, the four family members band together to formulate an attack strategy.

From the restaurant’s waterfront deck, Cody, Josh, and their parents lure Santa Jaws with more Christmas music and fire turkeys stuffed with gunpowder at it. When the last turkey misfires, baseball player Josh personally pitches it at the shark. Santa Jaws impales Josh on its horn.

Peter jumps in the water after Josh. Santa Jaws eats him too. Cody shoots the shark and it seemingly sinks after an explosion.

Cody wonders if he can bring everyone back using the pen. Dismissing the idea, Caroline takes away the pen. A fight over the pen leads to it falling near the water. Caroline goes to retrieve it and Santa Jaws attacks her.

Using the pen, Cody hurriedly draws a new page for the comic book with an epilogue that grants him a wish for killing the shark. Cody uses Uncle Mike’s lighter to burn the original comic book pages. Santa Jaws disintegrates in an explosion of green fire.

Cody suddenly wakes on Christmas morning to find all of his family members alive with no recollection of the Santa Jaws events. Cody goes across the street to introduce himself to Jena. Jena gives back Cody’s “Santa Jaws” comic book and they arrange an ice cream date for later. Cody then burns the comic book in his backyard, but keeps the antique German pen.

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Review:

Now that it takes two hands to count every entry in the “Sharknado” series, we’re at a point where made-for-cable mega-monster movies rarely get more creative than pairing an adjective with an animal, specifically a shark, to concoct a setup around whatever loose concept those terms bring to mind.  Alternatively, producers come up with a play on words and comfortably coast on the guffaw that title generates.  Anything ancillary, like a script, remains an afterthought.

Which is how we arrive at “Santa Jaws,” clearly the result of a brief brainstorming session where someone realized how St. Nick’s surname rhymes with cinema’s most celebrated seaborne serial killer and someone else saw a shot to kill the birds of shark thriller and Christmas horror with one simple stone.

What exactly does anyone think they’re going to get with a Syfy original titled “Santa Jaws?”  For that matter, what does anyone expect a review of “Santa Jaws” to reveal that s/he doesn’t already suspect?  I can answer virtually any question about the film’s fundamentals with a counter-question of my own.

“Is it any good?”  Well, what kind of criteria should be used for grading this type of thing?  “Santa Jaws” features predictably poor CGI as well as 2D characters fallen from an average assembly line.  Isn’t that par for the course in this subgenre swamp?  “Santa Jaws” arguably shoots for birdie by cheekily never intending to take its goofy premise seriously.

“Is it at least funny?”  Does the image of a shark swimming with a Santa hat on its dorsal fin inspire a grimace or a grin?  If the latter, know that not only does Santa Jaws, who is female, wear a Santa hat, but she’s wrapped in a string of colored lights and her eyes glow red like Rudolph’s nose too.  When her candy cane horn comes into play later, you’ll understand how no empty space exists in the movie’s mouth, what with its tongue filling every inch between its cheeks.

“What is it even about?”  Now that’s a question that can actually be objectively answered.

Reid Miller, the reincarnation of T2-era Edward Furlong in looks, voice, and onscreen attitude, plays teenage good guy and aspiring artist Cody.  With his best buddy Steve writing, Cody recently finished drawing “Santa Jaws,” their homemade comic book about a supernatural shark whose strengths and weaknesses stem from anything related to Christmas.  Cody also just received an antique pen with an ominous German inscription from his grandfather Papa Joe.  When a Christmas Eve grounding by mom compels Cody to make a bah humbug wish while inking the shark with this pen, holiday magic brings Santa Jaws to life.  Unfortunately, the yuletide beast wants to murder Cody’s family.

“Santa Jaws” employs a number of expected clichés to fill out its features as fast as possible.  Characters include a new neighborhood girl Cody has a crush on, parents who just don’t understand, a snarky comic shop owner, and a few lesser pieces of fodder.  “Santa Jaws” also includes a number of novelty gags that make its pap more palatable, like explosive ornaments, gunpowder-stuffed turkeys, even a Russian bride conjured by the mysterious pen’s magic.  These notes alone say a lot about the gamut run by the film’s style and scope.

A family fantasy tone makes the film feel like a Hallmark holiday movie with a dash of Syfy creature feature cream spilled in its campy coffee.  Plentiful yet not-too-graphic kills aside, “Santa Jaws” is unexpectedly about as kid-friendly and morally grounded in good values as a killer shark movie can possibly be.

For instance, Cody’s Uncle Mike is introduced in a routine scene where he fast-talks some business bluster over a cellphone while his new Instagram model wife adorns his other arm.  A rolling eye thinks it sees where this guy is going, yet the closest Uncle Mike gets to doing anything sleazy is sneaking a cigarette on the porch.  After that, he offers some reassurance to his despondent nephew before joining the rest of the family in putting together a charity dinner for the community.

In this regard, “Santa Jaws” can be surprisingly sweet, even schmaltzy.  One scene tacks on an out-of-nowhere exchange between Cody’s brother and Cody’s best friend to resolve animosity the audience never knew existed.  Other sequences center on heart-to-hearts between Cody and his parents so Cody can learn the importance of togetherness during the holidays.  And following the first death, you’ll see the “happily ever after” ending coming from one hundred miles away.

For its jagged edge faults of silly sentimentality and iffy acting, “Santa Jaws” at least moves swiftly by grouping people in various packs and cutting between their concurrent pathways through the plot.  Whimsical music additionally lightens the air, offering regular reminders to forgivingly appreciate the well-meaning charm in the movie’s ample cheese.

Considering how all over the place it is in nearly every aspect, “Santa Jaws” really can’t be given any fairer of a score than a perfect split down the middle.  In the true holiday spirit of giving, I’ll even bump up the rating to 60/100 for the film having its heart in the right place.  After all, the movie is precisely what it sets out to be, and that movie is pretty much what should be expected from something titled “Santa Jaws.”

Review Score:  60

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