POPEYE THE SLAYER MAN (2025)

Studio:   VMI Worldwide
Director: Robert Michael Ryan
Writer:   John Doolan, Robert Michael Ryan, Cuyle Carvin, Jeff Miller
Producer: Jeff Miller, Robert Michael Ryan, Cuyle Carvin, Alexander Tucker, Nathan Todaro, Alysa Blasetti
Stars:    Sean Michael Conway, Elena Juliano, Mabel Thomas, Marie-Louise Boisnier, Jeff Thomas, Steven McCormack, Angela Relucio, Jason Stephens

Review Score:

Summary:

While investigating the urban legend of a reportedly haunted spinach factory, a group of friends become targeted by a mysterious and murderous “Sailor Man.”

Synopsis:     

Review:

I can’t make up my mind which is worse. The fact that I begrudgingly watched “Popeye the Slayer Man” in the first place, despite vowing “Popeye’s Revenge” (review here) would be the only one of 2025’s three lo-fi Popeye slashers I’d bother with. Or the notion that now I’ll probably force myself through “Shiver Me Timbers” too, because at this point, I might as well cover all three, right? Hard sigh.

Once, just once, I would love it if one, just one, of these pieces of public domain pablum would do something, anything, with an appropriated IP other than merely turn an iconic cartoon character into a murderous maniac who simply slaughters a generic group of friends. Is that really too much to ask? Apparently so, because yet again, that’s all “Popeye the Slayer Man” does with its shallow concept. Harder sigh.

The two movies are so indistinguishably similar in premise and execution that in a few days, possibly a few seconds, it might be impossible to remember which was “Popeye’s Revenge” and which was “Popeye the Slayer Man.” I’d better burn through this summary before that happens.

Wannabe filmmaker Dexter and a few of his university friends, all played by actors of questionable age for believably passing as college students, are making a documentary about the abandoned Anchor Bay spinach-canning factory. According to urban legend, the cannery is reportedly haunted by “The Sailor Man,” never directly referred to as Popeye that I can recall, a mysterious figure said to be stalking nearby docks while awaiting the return of his lost love. Trespassing begins. So do deaths, coinciding with the timely arrivals of various victims to keep piling butchered bodies higher. You can figure out the rest as easily as any AI algorithm could.

The film’s most astonishing accomplishment is crediting three people for coming up with the story and a fourth person for writing the screenplay. I treated their names like a puzzle by trying to see if their initials spelled out “ChatGPT” since it seems incomprehensible that a setup so vanilla could possibly need four human beings to put it together.

I can’t even picture how their individual contributions played out. Did one guy say, “I’ll come up with how this person is killed, you come up with how that person gets killed,” and somehow they still duplicated deaths? Most of the movie is a long line of protracted sequences where Popeye’s targets run, huff, puff, pant, hide, then scream and/or have their heads popped off. That’s not how to effectively structure a gripping plot. That’s not even how to build suspense. That’s just following one chase with another chase again and again until a 90-minute timer expires.

A couple of people I’m indirectly familiar with in and around L.A.’s indie horror “scene,” which is basically just the same group of part-time journalists, filmmakers, and fans you see at the same conventions, screenings, and related gatherings, have friends associated with the film. Following its premiere, I heard more than one of them gush about the “good time” they had with “Popeye the Slayer Man” before going on to publicly recommend it in front of a person involved in the project.

Once again, I can’t make up my mind which is worse. Having to lie directly into the face of a friend by saying, “That was/You were really good!” Or gaslighting yourself into believing there might be something worth praising in a microbudget horror flick you’d objectively pan if you weren’t worried about disappointing a personal acquaintance.

There is nothing noteworthy about “Popeye the Slayer Man.” About the best thing I can say is at least the film includes a couple of Popeye-specific gags. Unlike “Popeye’s Revenge,” this Popeye definitively eats spinach to power up his mutated arms and says, “I yam what I yam,” although his lines are barely intelligible because they’re garbled through a latex Halloween mask. There’s also a quick side joke involving Wimpy attempting to buy a burger with an IOU and a death or two deliberately designed for intentional snickers.

Everything else, on the other bloated forearm, leaves a lot to be desired. “Popeye the Slayer Man” boasts practical effects, except blood bears the watery orange color of Chef Boyardee sauce from a can of Beefaroni. Blocking is plainly staged, with a camera content to record action rather than craft a genuinely creative shot. Then the film stops on an unresolved ending that’s less of the sequel tease it tries to be and more of an outright abandonment of a narrative that was already skating on tissue-thin ice.

Actually, there is something else sort of positive I can say about “Popeye the Slayer Man.” It’s moderately more watchable than “Popeye’s Revenge,” although that’s a bit like saying being mauled by a bear is preferable to being mauled by a mountain lion.

Bluto help me with “Shiver Me Timbers.” At least I only have one more of these homemade Popeye slashers left to go. For now. Hardest sigh.

Review Score: 25