BONEJANGLES (2017)

Studio:       Wild Eye Releasing
Director:    Brett DeJager
Writer:       Keith Melcher
Producer:  Zeke Hanson, Brett DeJager
Stars:     Kelly Misek Jr., Jamie Scott Gordon, Julia Cavanaugh, Hannah Richter, Devin Toft, Lawrence Wayne Curry, Elissa Dowling, Reggie Bannister

Review Score:

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Summary:

Misfit cops use a supernatural serial killer to combat zombies in a small town cursed by a witch.

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Synopsis:     Show/Hide Spoilers

Supernatural serial killer Edgar Friendly Jr., a.k.a. Mr. Bonejangles, brutally murders a janitor while on the loose. Flashbacks show Bonejangles’ father Edgar Friendly Sr. brainwashing the boy into believing sex is bad because Edgar Sr., a.k.a. The New Brunswick Ripper, was seduced by a voodoo priestess, resulting in Bonejangles’ cursed birth.

Slacker cops Doug Partridge and Randy Myers are summoned to the warehouse district to help capture Bonejangles. Bonejangles seemingly kills the other four cops at the scene. Just as Bonejangles is about to attack Doug and Randy, Officer Lisa Gutierrez rises from the floor and subdues Bonejangles with a taser, as electricity is his only weakness.

Flamboyant new recruit Juan Larumba is assigned to a team with Doug, Randy, and Lisa to transport Bonejangles to the town of Argento, where he will be taken the rest of the way to Smith’s Grove Sanitarium. Randy remembers Argento as Doug’s hometown, which Doug hasn’t been back to in ten years. Meanwhile, the town of Argento prepares for a wedding between Doug’s high school crush Sally Tisdale and arrogant bully Clint Burton.

When the police van becomes caught in a fog, Doug realizes it is April 18th. Doug explains to the other officers that Argento is cursed, and zombies rise to attack citizens every year on that date. Juan crashes the van, releasing Bonejangles.

Doug and Lisa fight off zombies while making their way on foot to the town’s rec center for safety. A succubus witch named Rowena seduces Randy in the fog and captures him. Homosexual hillbillies Cletus and Eustice find Juan and the three of them become lovers.

Bonejangles kills campers Wes, Tobe, and Marilyn in the woods. Aspiring musician Bruce escapes by cowardly sacrificing fourth friend Jamie to Bonejangles as bait.

Lisa and Doug discover the wedding party at the rec center. Doug and Sally reminisce about attending senior prom together, when the dance was overrun by zombies. Doug planned to profess his love for Sally that night, but was interrupted by the commotion. Clint stole Sally away and was hailed as the town hero for battling back the undead after knocking Doug unconscious. Heartbroken, Doug dropped out of school and left town. Sally admits she had hoped Doug would come back for her someday, but ultimately moved on with plans to marry Clint.

Bonejangles kills camping couple Heather and Sam after they have sex in a tent.

Doug hears the story of Rowena Abernathy, the prostitute and witch who cursed Argento City. Burned at the stake in 1872 for being a succubus who sexed men to death, Rowena vowed vengeance by cursing each man who had sex with her to transform into a minion of darkness that eats human flesh every April 18th. Her spirit is believed to still reside in the town’s old bordello.

Doug concludes he can overpower Rowena and break her curse by having Bonejangles use his supernatural strength to destroy her. Doug also learns that Rowena draws her power from virgins, and fears that he may have to rescue Randy.

In the bordello, Rowena’s previous “juice boy” Courtney explains to Randy how Rowena siphons her strength by using virginal men as her slaves. Randy still chooses to have sex with Rowena.

Clint sneaks away to the locker room to have sex with Lisa. Bonejangles interrupts and hacks off Clint’s arm with a machete. Clint runs away. Lisa lures Bonejangles into the shower, intending to electrocute him with an exposed wire and water.

Doug convinces Sally that Clint is wrong for her. He also tells Sally his plan to use Bonejangles to rescue Randy and break Rowena’s curse.

Clint tells Doug and Sally that he is leaving and the two of them may as well be together. Clint then destroys the breaker box, cutting off the building’s electricity. Lisa is helplessly left to be murdered in the shower by Bonejangles while zombies overrun the auditorium.

Bonejangles confronts Doug and Sally when they escape outside. With a chainsaw in place of his severed hand, Clint comes to their rescue. However, Clint’s heavy chainsaw falls when he raises his arm, carving open Clint’s head and killing him.

Doug and Sally make their way to the bordello, but are stopped by Bonejangles. Amid the subsequent fray, Doug and Sally profess their love for each other. Juan suddenly arrives in a van with Cletus and Eustice to run over Bonejangles.

With Randy in tow, Rowena comes to confront everyone. Thinking that sex with an immortal will make her even more powerful, Rowena summons Bonejangles to her. Rowena begins going down on Bonejangles until he remembers his father’s warning about protecting his penis from women. Bonejangles suddenly stabs Rowena in her chest. Lightning then envelops Bonejangles and the bordello spontaneously explodes.

In the aftermath, Doug sees Randy and Courtney off in an ambulance. Juan goes home with Cletus and Eustice. Doug and Sally kiss.

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Review:

It took a mutilated janitor and an entire police force to lure him, but a well-timed taser shot has finally taken down supernatural serial killer Mr. Bonejangles.  Now it is up to the three surviving officers and a flamboyant new recruit to transport the skull-faced behemoth to the small town of Argento so he can be shipped off to Smith’s Grove Sanitarium.

That’s just the half of it.  A potentially bigger problem is that it is April 18th, which is when Argento’s dead rise from their graves to wreak havoc on every citizen in sight.  100 years ago, part-time prostitute and full-time succubus Rowena Abernathy was burned at the stake.  But not before cursing every man who had sex with her to become a flesh-eating minion on the anniversary of her death every year.

Zombies, a witch, and a murderous maniac should be reasons enough why nebbish policeman Doug wants nothing to do with this assignment.  Except Argento happens to be his hometown.  Going back home after ten years away means he will have to finally face his abandoned high school sweetheart Sally, and on the same day she is set to marry his bullying nemesis Clint no less.

Not only does Doug have to corral a voodoo-powered killer and break a century-old curse, but he also has to prevent the love of his life from becoming lost to him forever.  That’s if his sex-obsessed partner Randy doesn’t fall under Rowena’s spell, or the ghouls don’t destroy everyone first.

It should be evident from the tongue in the summary’s cheek that “Bonejangles” isn’t meant to be taken seriously.  Trouble is, the brow of its humor hangs so low that it is also difficult to take as a comedy, no matter how intentional its juvenile jocularity might be.

When “Bonejangles” is sending up inherent absurdity in well-worn horror movie tropes, its microbudget style suits the slight snark.  “Bonejangles” clearly wasn’t made for much money.  But when a severed arm looks like it was built for $5 using off-the-shelf Halloween Store clearance items, it actually fits the schlocky tone intended for some of the sillier scenes.

Where “Bonejangles” misses the mark by miles is in its stale one-liners and dopey dialogue, which is where the bulk of comedic content comes from.  Boner jokes, virginity jokes, insults about which hand constitutes someone’s girlfriend; I haven’t heard phrases like “on the rag” since seventh grade, and this brand of bad material wasn’t clever at that age either.

Humor falls flat on multiple fronts.  Taking a swipe at Susan Boyle’s physical appearance is already a low blow.  But the movie bears a 2016 copyright date and Boyle’s “Britain’s Got Talent” fame peaked in 2009.  The jab isn’t even current.

In a similar vein, a line like, “my pecker is as flaccid as cornmeal mush” also isn’t funny to begin with.  Out of the mouth of an amateur actor with no sense of inflection or timing, it sounds even worse.  Then again, “protect your wee winkie!” doesn’t necessarily sound better coming from “Phantasm” vet Reggie Bannister, whose two quick flashback scenes appear to have been shot out in under an hour.

If its eyes ever looked above the belt, “Bonejangles” might see that its off-the-wall premise has promise.  Making the film frustrating is this fact that there is a germ here for a movie that would be a lot more fun with a smarter sense of humor.

I can get past rough-edged aesthetics because sets are at least lit competently, the camera is on a tripod, and editing has a rhythm.  Cast and crew are clearly Kermit green, but they just as clearly put their best effort into the production.

What I can’t get past is how the film’s arms never bend at the elbow or shoulder to pick anything other than the most obvious fruit.  Nodding at names like Myers, Raimi, Argento, etc. isn’t any more fashionable than using an outrageously gay character for cheap knocks involving homosexual hillbillies.

A more experienced cast and a punched up script that punched out tiresome nonsense could make “Bonejangles” a horror/comedy force to really be reckoned with.  Should its current bag of boobs, blood, and bland gags built for enjoyment with a Budweiser and a blunt be your thing, have at it.  “Bonejangles” probably has enough lowbrow entertainment to get a guffaw out of a locker room crowd in its current condition.

Review Score:  40

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