“No One Will Save You” is a widely praised frightener that’s cleverly crafted yet not necessarily hot enough to heat everyone’s cup of tea.

Drink up the movie like a light Christmas cocktail spiking its horror highball with jamon iberico-washed bourbon for just a slight hint of ham.

Despite my personal connections, all I really have to say about “Five Nights at Freddy’s” is “eh, whatever” like I would any other ordinary horror film.

Mass-market fright films built for mainstream audiences are made to be marketable more than they’re made to be memorable.

“The Amityville Curse” is essentially what you’d think the average offspring of a marriage between Amityville and Tubi would look like.

Heaven help the creatives who still have to deliver two more sequels. Maybe they should hope for help from Hell instead. How much worse off would they be?

“Pet Sematary” fires a straight shot through the meatiest beats while ensuring deeper themes about dealing with death always get their due.

As though John Ritter got ahold of a magical remote control, “Jason X” feels like a stuntman slasher was let loose on an old episode of “Andromeda".”

While conceptually gutsy for not playing it safe with strict “Friday the 13th” formula, “Jason Goes to Hell” makes for a technically messy movie.

Maybe “Cobweb” wasn’t worth a trip to the theater to watch the same brand of standard suspense that streaming services burp up at home on a weekly basis.

Manhattan-related grievances notwithstanding, mediocrity lands it in a fair middle ground amongst its peers as far as standard “Friday the 13th” merits are concerned.

I can just list ingredients like I’m writing a nutrition label and you’ll see how “Terror at London Bridge” provides 100% of your recommended daily dose of nostalgia.

Not quite an undiscovered gem, the film fares better as an entertainingly dated oddity fit for a bit of lukewarm 1990s nostalgia.

The vague cartoon vibe is too erratically employed to really root “The Wrath of Becky” with a consistent horror to humor ratio.

“Mazes and Monsters” earns bonus points for its camp value as a pseudo-historical artifact from when mothers spilled their marbles over a totally harmless fantasy game.

“Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park” is pure Wisconsin cheddar, as extra sharp as it can possibly be cut, that tastes terrific now that it’s aged with over 40 years of flavor.

Based on my memory of “Last Shift,” “Malum” seems largely like a mirror image that’s just reflecting in slightly more polished glass.

Even if the film didn’t write all of it, “The Amityville Horror” became the template followed by all haunted house chillers since.