UNLUCKY CHARMS (2013)

Studio:       Full Moon Features
Director:    Charles Band
Writer:       August White, Kent Roudebush
Producer:  Charles Band
Stars:     Tiffany Thornton, Seth Peterson, Charlie O’Connell, Nathan Phillips, Nikki Leigh, Alex Rose Wiesel, Masuimi Max, Peter Badalamenti, Anna Sophia Berglund, Jeryl Prescott Sales

Review Score: 

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Summary:

The cast of a modeling competition reality TV show is beset by a quartet of mythical creatures summoned to steal their souls. 

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Synopsis:     Show/Hide Spoilers

Leprechaun Farr Darrig, also known as The Red Man, confers with three other mythical creatures, Bloody Bones, Banshee, and Pookah, about the declining state of the human world. Realizing that they are being summoned by magic, the quartet sends Bloody Bones to Earth to investigate the state of affairs.

Models Sheila, Audrey, Darla, Erin, and Mika compete for a spokesmodel contract on a reality show judged by Pirl, Baxter, and pop star turned fashion diva DeeDee Deville. When the models return to their rooms in the mansion, Audrey thinks she sees Pirl in two places at once. One of them turns out to be Bloody Bones in disguise. The other three creatures speculate on who might be summoning them to do his/her wicked bidding.

Mika wins that evening’s challenge and is awarded a session with famed photographer McGregor. Audrey is the loser and is forced to clean the toilet and bathroom as punishment. Farr Darrig and Bloody Bones observe the proceedings.

DeeDee returns to her room and sees that she is morphing into an old hag. DeeDee uses four magical charms to summon Farr Darrig, who confronts Sheila before killing her. Sheila’s violent death restores DeeDee’s beauty.

Erin has a sexual rendezvous with Baxter in exchange for favoritism on the show and the promise of a green card. The real Baxter later enters and Erin realizes that she was having sex with Bloody Bones in disguise. Bloody Bones then puts the duo in a trance that wipes their memory.

Pirl and the four remaining girls review the camera footage to learn what happened to Sheila, but her encounter with Farr Darrig is missing from the recording. The girls are given a challenge to find a golden egg hidden in the house. DeeDee uses the charms again. Banshee and Pookah are summoned and they kill Erin. Bloody Bones casts a spell on Mika so that he can see her topless.

While judging the next challenge, DeeDee is forced to leave the room when her face begins changing. DeeDee summons Pookah when she realizes that her charm bracelet is missing. Before she can kill Pookah, Farr Darrig appears and reveals that he took back the charms because DeeDee used its powers for selfish purposes. After arguing with Farr Darrig, DeeDee magically summons the charms back into her hand.

Farr Darrig is forced to kill Audrey, but when he tries, he finds that Audrey’s maternal bloodline is from the Old Country. He warns her to leave the house. She gathers the others and convinces them to leave. The four creatures decide to revolt against DeeDee’s commands. DeeDee stabs Farr Darrig, but Banshee’s scream causes her to drop the charms. Audrey recovers the bracelet while Banshee kills DeeDee with another scream, but Farr Darrig dies from his wound.

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Review:

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  If a hen produces an egg while standing in the center of a steepled roof, does it roll down the left side or the right side?  In keeping with this theme of riddles that involve laying an egg, who is to blame for “Unlucky Charms” being a pointless viewing experience?  The person who made it or the person who willingly watched a movie whose defining characteristic is a title that lampoons a breakfast cereal?

Genre fans whose passion for B-grade fare was nurtured by a steady stream of Full Moon releases in decades past still cling to the hope that Charles Band may one day return to that once proud form.  Alas, ever since Band weaned his company off the teats of “Puppet Master” and “Trancers” in favor of even lower brow franchises like “Gingerdead Man” and “Evil Bong,” the quality of Full Moon titles has declined into a state of poor production values that would make even Roger Corman blush.

Five models with disparate levels of attractiveness are vying for the top title of fashion diva on the world’s most boring reality show.  Whatever the competition is, it cannot possibly be any good, as there is not a single crew person anywhere in sight.  The only cameras capturing the show itself are of the corner mounted stationary security type.  Challenges on the show include a house hunt where the ladies must find a hidden egg.  Such a dull format for a television series could have only been approved by the same person who greenlit this movie.

Strangely, the judges live in the same house as the contestants, and come from the Acme Talent Agency of Movie Stereotypes.  Flanked by the flamboyant gay man and the lecherous sleazeball, the panel is led by pop star turned fashion mogul DeeDee Deville.  DeeDee is much older than she lets on, as her good looks come from a quartet of silver charms that summon mythical beings to steal the souls that make her more beautiful.  That type of dangerous vanity spells trouble for the catfighting cast of young women.

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The creatures are truly awful little beasts.  Not their personalities or dispositions so much as their makeup designs and appearances.  The leprechaun, who is not the creature featured on the box cover, is given a splotchy face that looks like he is simply riddled with a raging STD.  Bloody Bones has a giant eyeball that does not even move, except in a few stray cases where terribly subpar animation is digitized over it.  Another character appears to be wearing a Halloween mask and cannot move his mouth.  The fourth beast recycles the third one’s design by just making it lean disproportionately in the other direction.  More functional makeup has been done in one hour during the foundation challenges on SyFy’s “Face/Off.”

Some of the actors are readily aware of what type of movie they are in and do their best to have fun with their roles.  Unfortunately, they have no chance at transferring that fun to the audience with such a stale script to work with.  Jabbing at reality television has not been timely for several years, and unfunny dialogue reflects that outdated sensibility with lines like, “that’s perfect, because you’re in the bathroom cleaning toilets and the economy is in the toilet.”  Thankfully, one of the Full Moon hallmarks that earns a welcome in this case is the barely feature length runtime.  At least the movie is only 70 minutes long and eight of those are credits occupying both ends.

“Unlucky Charms” knows that it is low rent forgettable fluff.  And if it were still 1990, this might be acceptable.  Except that in the 21st century, it is difficult to justify the use of a more than twenty-year-old formula of buxom ladies making lame attempts at humor while battling pint sized creatures.  Even straight-to-video standards have evolved since “Leprechaun,” “Ghoulies,” and whatever else can be lumped into a similar category.  Meanwhile, Full Moon is regressing.  In the Internet age, do people still rent R-rated horror movies just for a few minutes of women prancing about in lingerie?  Charles Band seems to have lost all passion for picking anything other than the lowest hanging fruit.  And sadly, Full Moon has become an assembly line for DVD coasters masquerading as worthwhile horror films.

Review Score:  30

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