Studio: Peacock/Blumhouse
Director: John Logan
Writer: John Logan
Producer: Jason Blum, Michael Aguilar
Stars: Theo Germaine, Carrie Preston, Anna Chlumsky, Austin Crute, Quei Tann, Anna Lore, Cooper Koch, Monique Kim, Darwin del Fabro, Hayley Griffith, Boone Platt, Mark Ashworth, Kevin Bacon
Review Score:
Summary:
A masked killer with mysterious motives stalks the suspicious counselors and queer teens at a conversion therapy camp.
Review:
I finished watching “They/Them,” which the filmmakers insist should be said out loud as “They-Slash-Them,” several hours ago. Only right now have I finally typed up my first words on the film, because the only thing that stretch of time produced was a blank screen of nonexistent notes that left me quietly confused about how to approach this review.
In “They/Them,” Kevin Bacon plays Owen Whistler, a man whose strange summer camp promises to set LGBTQ+ kids straight with controversial conversion therapy. When Owen welcomes his latest crop of queer teens, he delivers a surprisingly warm message about inclusion while promising to not thump a bible or pressure anybody to become someone they aren’t. Since the spiel comes from a shifty-faced Kevin Bacon, and since “They/Them” comes billed as a thriller, we can bet that Owen’s disarming charm hides contemptible true motivations that assuredly run counter to whatever “we’re not bigots” lip service he blows through a suspicious smile.
Non-binary Jordan and transgender Alexandra are particularly wary of what else might be going on behind the scenes. Owen might have an accommodating answer about preferred pronouns at the ready when Jordan questions why there are no all-gender cabins. But the banning of cellphones as well as the confiscation of prescription pills are two early signs that Owen and his staff may have a demanding, possibly demeaning, week in store for the troupe.
For the film’s first 45 minutes, “They/Them’s” horror mostly arrives in the form of passive-aggressive psychological abuse followed by purely-aggressive physical abuse as the teens endure various encounters with Owen’s therapist wife and an overbearing athletic director who once underwent conversion therapy himself. Some could also say there’s horror in some iffy acting among the young ensemble, and they wouldn’t be wrong about that either.
But the “slash” in “They-Slash-Them” is supposed to come from a masked killer who picks off one person around that 45-minute mark, then disappears for another 40 minutes before finally returning to drop another body. This nearly invisible slasher element offers such little suspense, it feels accidentally spliced in from another film entirely. It’s almost as tacked-on as the quizzical pre-title kill that opens the movie, a pat prologue that’s a prerequisite for any horror film that doesn’t plan on featuring any action for another 40 minutes or so. Don’t feel bad if you’re led to forget this killer even exists. “They/Them” routinely forgets about it too.
I considered that my reticence to dive any deeper into my unfavorable opinion of the film had to do with who I was aligning myself with by default. A problem with unpacking “They/Them” is that its subject matter automatically magnetizes review-bombing trolls who decry anything with gay themes as “woke trash.” They risk pushing their fingers right through the mouse as they overeagerly click to assign a one-star rating on IMDb or Letterboxd. Any valid reasons for disliking the movie may now be dismissed due to falling on the same side as those who hate “They/Them” just because it includes an Asian lesbian or whatever. And when insincere criticism pollutes social streams with hateful hyperbole based purely on homophobia, it’s in turn difficult to get an accurate read on which way the popular pulse is actually beating.
As I noticed myself distractedly zoning out during dramatic scenes of campers sharing personal stories of dealing with prejudice, I also considered that my viewpoint was complicated by being a heterosexual, middle-aged man. Empathy shouldn’t be an issue. Emotional investments can be made solely by recognizing another person’s plight, even that of a fictional creation, regardless of race, religion, or orientation. Nevertheless, I’m far removed from my own experiences with high school bullying, never mind not having comparable experiences with sexual identity struggles. No matter how much imagination is applied, relating to a transgender or non-binary teenager at my age can be a daunting, if not foolhardily impossible, task.
For instance, I want to question why one gay character has to get saddled with the dated stereotype of loving showtunes to the point that he proudly sports a t-shirt for “A Chorus Line.” Then I wonder, is there inherent bias in even having that observation? Can I make that comment or am I veering out of my lane because I’m not regularly immersed in queer culture and thus not qualified to speak on such subjects?
However, I’ve ultimately concluded that my disappointment in “They/Them” stems from something simpler. Put plainly, it’s not an entertaining movie. The low-hanging berry of irony that’s ripe for picking suggests “They/Them,” a movie essentially about kids dealing with identity crises, has a fatal identity crisis of its own. Much of the movie’s initial intrigue comes from the melodrama developing among the teens and with their adult counselors. Parallels are poignant, and the social subtext throws thoughtful weight behind the mild mystery of what’s really going on at the camp.
Then “They/Them” remembers its primary plot involves a masked maniac, or was perhaps retrofitted to toss in traditional summer camp slaughter because someone feared the film otherwise didn’t fit in the horror category, and the movie hastily degrades into a failed experiment in indecisive ideas. Whatever writer/director John Logan intended for his message gets lost in the weeds of traumatic backstories that put some flesh on the teens, yet still keep them thin as cardboard characterizations, and haphazard hacking from a hand with a problematic motivation.
Representation matters, arguably now more than ever. It’s a big burden for any single movie to bear, but it’s unfortunate that “They/Them” represents LGBTQ+ horror with something poorly focused. The queer community, and horror fandom at large, deserves something tastier than the crumbs “They/Them” sweeps off the table and onto a pedestrian plate. There might have been an appetizing meal in here at one point, but the movie can’t quite figure out what it wants to put on the menu.
Review Score: 40
At least the movie only runs 70 minutes, though I suppose that extra 10 technically disqualifies it from being a literal amateur hour.