THE UNHOLY (2021)

Studio:     Screen Gems
Director:    Evan Spiliotopoulos
Writer:     Evan Spiliotopoulos
Producer:  Sam Raimi, Rob Tapert, Evan Spiliotopoulos
Stars:     Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Katie Aselton, William Sadler, Cricket Brown, Diogo Morgado, Cary Elwes, Marina Mazepa, Christine Adams

Review Score:

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Summary:

When a girl mysteriously obtains miraculous healing powers, a small town assumes the Virgin Mary speaks through her, but a disgraced journalist suspects an evil force may be at work.

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Synopsis:     Show/Hide Spoilers

In the town of Banfield, Massachusetts in 1845, Mary Elnor performs miracles after claiming the Virgin Mary gave her divine powers. Mary heals those who pledge their souls, but those who challenge Mary meet tragic fates. Suspecting witchcraft, townspeople submerge Mary in Pequod Creek until she confesses to being Satan’s servant. Father Prescott leads a mob that nails a mask to Mary’s face, hangs her from a tree, and burns her body. Prescott collects Mary’s ashes and binds them inside a kern baby doll bearing the impossible date February 31, 1845. Everyone healed by Mary regains their previous afflictions.

In the present, paranormal tabloid editor Max sends disgraced journalist Gerry Fenn, who lost his reputation after falsifying stories for a major paper, to report on a cow mutilation in Banfield. Gerry discovers the mutilation was merely a case of a teenager painting a Metallica symbol on the cow.

Whispers in his head draw Gerry to the tree where Mary Elnor died. Gerry finds the kern baby. To trump up his story, Gerry breaks the bizarre doll so he can connect it to the cow’s symbol through an imaginary curse.

While driving that night, Gerry swerves to avoid a girl standing entranced in the middle of the road. Gerry subsequently sees the girl kneeling in front of the tree and muttering. The girl collapses. Gerry rushes her to the nearby church where Father Hagan identifies the girl as his deaf, mute, and orphaned niece Alice Pagett. Hagan summons Dr. Natalie Gates, who disbelieves Gerry’s claim that Alice spoke. Gerry decides to pursue a new story about Alice spontaneously gaining the ability to speak.

Gerry attends mass at Father Hagan’s church. A voice in her head suddenly draws Alice to the tree outside. The rest of the congregation follows. After Alice experiences a vision, everyone is shocked to hear her speak. Alice tells them “Mary” will deliver a message through her the next day, and everyone assumes Alice means the Virgin Mary.

Gerry phones his former editor Monica Slade to tell her about Alice, but Monica dismisses the story due to Gerry’s notoriety. That night, Gerry dreams of a demonic Mary Elnor in Pequod Creek, although he does not know who she is.

The next day, townspeople assemble like Alice instructed. Alice asks disabled boy Toby Walsh to pledge himself to Mary. After he does, Alice lays hands on Toby and he is able to walk again.

The story of the miracle healing goes viral. The Vatican sends believing Bishop James Gyles and skeptical Monsignor Delgarde to investigate. Journalists hound Alice, but she will only speak with Gerry, which gives him exclusive access to the story.

Townspeople erect a tent around the tree to turn it into a shrine. Father Hagan begins having doubts about what happened when he discovers the broken kern baby.

Hagan has a sudden emphysema attack. Alice heals him after he pledges himself to Mary, and Hagan sees a demonic vision of Mary Elnor appear briefly behind his niece.

Natalie shows Gerry, Gyles, and Delgarde x-rays that prove Alice cured Hagan’s emphysema. Since the case meets the criteria, the pope declares the miracle to be genuine. Banfield’s popularity explodes. Gerry uses the opportunity to negotiate a return to prominence when Monica calls back about his exclusive story.

Gerry and Natalie take a mutual interest in one another. Gerry tells Natalie about the doll he found. Natalie tells him the impossible date could indicate the doll trapped an evil spirit.

Gerry and Natalie walk to Pequod Creek, which Gerry recognizes from his dream. After another haunting vision, Gerry concludes something happened at the creek that connects to the church.

Father Hagan finds Father Prescott’s old journal detailing the truth about Mary Elnor. Mary supernaturally kills Hagan. Gerry finds Hagan hanging from a noose. Gerry’s suspicions deepen after Hagan’s death is ruled a suicide.

Gerry asks Alice if she thinks unholy forces might be at work. Alice responds that Mary told her doubt leads to damnation. A vision of Mary briefly attacks Gerry when he reviews Alice’s interview footage in his motel room later.

Gerry tells Natalie he thinks Hagan was killed. Natalie helps Gerry locate Father Prescott’s journal in the church basement and they learn about Mary Elnor’s history. Gerry and Natalie realize Mary Elnor now uses Alice as her vessel to do the devil’s work by impersonating the Virgin Mary. A demonic vision of Mary Elnor chases Gerry and Natalie out of the church.

Alice tells the congregation at Hagan’s funeral that Mary wants everyone to assemble for another service at the shrine around the tree. Gerry and Natalie fear Mary will use the event to claim the souls of everyone Alice convinces to believe in Mary.

Gerry brings Prescott’s journal to Gyles and Delgarde. Gyles reveals he already knew about Mary Elnor’s history, but he insists on continuing with Alice’s service anyway due to its widespread attention. Delgarde is shocked by the bishop’s admission. Gerry threatens to tell the world the truth about Mary, but Gyles points out that no one will believe him.

Archival research reveals Mary had a son with Alice’s ancestor Nicholas Pagett and Mary made a deal with the devil for eternal life by living through her bloodline. Gerry and Natalie realize Mary plans to be reborn within Alice.

A vision of Mary attacks Gerry in the diocese library. Delgarde comes to Gerry’s rescue by reciting prayers with a rosary.

Gerry and Delgarde meet Natalie at the church where they try to reassemble the kern baby to recapture Mary. Gerry admits he was the person who broke the doll. Mary supernaturally immolates Delgarde using a flaming cross. Prevented from fixing the doll, Gerry and Natalie conclude they can only stop Mary by convincing everyone at the service to not put their faith in her.

Bishop Gyles presides over Alice’s service. Alice’s impassioned pleas convince everyone gathered to pledge their souls to Mary.

Gerry and Natalie rush to the service. Realizing no one would believe the true story, Gerry exploits his reputation as a liar to instead tell everyone he faked everything. At the same time, Natalie convinces Alice she was deceived and the voice in her head is not really the Virgin Mary. Alice joins Gerry by telling the crowd Mary isn’t real.

As everyone’s belief turns into disappointment, the tree suddenly combusts. The crowd flees in panic as the tent goes up in flames. Toby Walsh loses his ability to walk, so Natalie carries him to safety. Mary appears in demonic form and turns Gyles into dust. Mary then attacks Gerry, but Alice steps in to shield him. Touching Alice over her heart causes Mary to disintegrate since she was Mary’s only descendent. Alice dies.

Gerry pleads with God to let Alice live. Alice suddenly breathes again, although she loses her speech and hearing.

Some time later, Gerry, Natalie, and Alice assemble at Father Hagan’s grave. Gerry tells Natalie about Alice coming back to life. Natalie speculates a true miracle may have taken place.

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Review:

When Amazon purchased MGM for nearly nine billion dollars, the mega-merger prompted one screenwriter to tweet a recollection about a meeting he once had at the roaring lion’s studio. In it, MGM suits simply opened the company’s IMDb page, scrolled through title after title and repeatedly asked, “Do you want to remake this one? How about this one?”

That tweet attracted similar stories. Another writer also recalled being given a binder packed with pages listing MGM catalog titles. His assignment? Pick a couple of movies he might want to remake and then report back.

A funny addendum is, none of the projects those writers chose ever went forward. Commiserating responses continued reflecting on like-minded meetings where executives admitted they hadn’t even seen the original movies being mentioned. Unsurprisingly, they couldn’t have cared less about producing new takes on those titles and merely moved on to other pointless pitch sessions.

2021’s “The Unholy” is not a remake of 1988’s “The Unholy” (review here). It’s an adaptation of James Herbert’s novel “Shrine.” Nevertheless, the anecdotes above rattled around in my head as “The Unholy’s” vanilla flavor fell flat on my figurative tongue. It got me thinking, “Rebooted properties and original ideas have tough times getting through gatekeepers, yet those same Powers That Be who say no to everything will say yes to this?”

It’s not like “The Unholy” is bad in the sense that someone would be justified dismissing it as unwatchable. It’s just that the film is so redundantly generic, I can’t figure out what made anyone say, “Yes, absolutely! This is a movie we must make!”

Jeffrey Dean Morgan stars as disgraced journalist Gerry Something-or-Other. You can tell he’s a hard drinker on hard times because he sports unkempt hair, an unshaven face, and stays at a motel with a blinking neon sign. Obviously, that motel is located smack dab in the center of Cinema Cliché City.

In the vicinity is a tree where a witch once died. Gerry doesn’t know that, though he is drawn to the location and finds a curiously creepy doll wrapped in tiny chains with a tag bearing the nonexistent date of February 31, 1845.

Now, someone who has seen a horror film at least once in their life might immediately think, “This definitely doesn’t signify something good.” Barring that, you might think a man desperate for money would realize a 176-year-old doll could be worth a fat fortune. Neither thought occurs to Gerry. He only wants the $150 he’s been promised to write a tabloid story about a cow mutilation he already debunked. Gerry gets the bright idea to concoct a curse he can connect to the cow, so he smashes the doll to make it part of his made-up story.

Of course, Gerry unknowingly unleashes a real curse where a girl named Alice gains the power to perform miraculous healings. Alice tells everyone she got her gift from “Mary” and they in turn assume she must mean the mother of Jesus. It’s actually Mary Elnor, a witch who sold her soul to Satan and seeks to make everyone else do the same on a massive scale.

Cue some slight snickering as Cary Elwes joins Gerry in investigating the case as a bishop with a bizarre Boston accent. Elwes brings along an extraneous monsignor who I’d wager mattered much more in early drafts of the script than he does in this final cut. Katie Aselton doubles up as a doctor who also becomes a lukewarm love interest for Gerry. Since she goes from dismissing him as a drunk to quickly taking a quiet walk along a creek together, I’m assuming the bulk of their “where did this come from?” romance occurs offscreen.

I’m trying to picture what “The Unholy’s” greenlight meeting looked like. I imagine it went something like this:

“Okay, we shot down everything we’ve been pitched so now we’re running out of time to fill a hole in our release slate. What do you got in the world of factory-made fright films? Maybe religious horror? We haven’t seen something with priests and possessions and demonic curses in a while have we?”

“Well, we have. Quite a few, to be honest. But if you want another one, may I suggest this adaptation of a 40-year-old novel?”

“Is it by Stephen King?”

“No, James Herbert. He was a highly successful and hugely pop-“

“Alright, I don’t know who that is, so let’s not play up the provenance. What’s it got in the way of scares?”

“There’s a scene where a guy takes his eyes off the road for two seconds and, wouldn’t you know it, a ghostly girl appears in that exact instant, causing a crash that kicks the plot into gear.”

“What else?”

“Flickering lights, shadows suddenly crossing in front of the camera, slowly creeping toward ominous objects while the music volume increases. You know, the usual.”

“There sure seems to be a lot of backstory blather going on from what I’m skimming through here.”

“Yeah, it’s an extremely chatty movie.”

“How do you plan to deliver all of that exposition?”

“That’s the usual, too. Start with the basic drip feed. When the time comes to turn toward the third act, we’ll have our heroes find a book that conveniently explains all remaining information so the characters can finally catch up to where the audience has been since the beginning. That still won’t be everything though. We’re saving a scene for right near the end where Gerry goes to a library and learns one last revelation from an old archive on microfiche.”

“Microfiche? What’s that?”

“Not exactly sure. But I’ve seen it in so many older movies we’re mirroring, I guess it works.”

“Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! Am I right?”

“Whatever you say, sir! You’re the boss!”

“Can you throw in one of those fakeouts where something spooky yet seemingly impossible happens and then right on the audio sting, we cut to a guy bolting upright in bed because it was all a dream? I like those!”

“Oh, you mean a nightmare sequence? Yeah, that’s already in there. It’s in all standard scary movie scripts, actually. Except we’ll do ours a little differently and have him only open his eyes instead of doing that upright bolt thing. We don’t want to do everything like everyone else does. (under his breath) Just most things.”

“Love it! Book it!”

Look, as indicated earlier, “The Unholy” is not a poorly made movie. It’s just routine from its head down to its toes. A film built purely for function by working professionals following grandma’s reliable recipe for run-of-the-mill chills.

Much of the movie takes place indoors. Much of it takes place in chairs too, because copious conversations move the movie more than anything. Even though there’s a lot of it, actors don’t have complicated dialogue to remember, much less emote through. “The Unholy” likely looked like a non-taxing gig that took it relatively easy on the cast and crew. Everyone could pop it out quickly, pocket their paychecks, and maybe move on to something more memorable with the next one.

Undemanding viewers will find “The Unholy” to be “fine” for a film people will only watch when it pops up on a streaming service and they have nothing better to do. Ironically, having nothing better to do is how people ended up making this mediocre movie in the first place.

Review Score: 50

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