THE NIGHT WATCHMEN (2017)

Studio:       Gravita Ventures
Director:    Mitchell Altieri
Writer:       Dan DeLuca, Jamie Nash, Ken Arnold
Producer:  Jeffrey Allard, Demetrea Triantafillides, Ken Arnold, Dan DeLuca
Stars:     Ken Arnold, Dan DeLuca, Kevin Jiggetts, Kara Luiz, Max Gray Wilbur, Tiffany Shepis, Matt Servitto, James Remar

Review Score:

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Summary:

Four hapless security guards and a newspaper reporter battle their way through an office building overrun by vampire clowns.

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Synopsis:     Show/Hide Spoilers

While touring with a circus in Romania, beloved Baltimore icon “Blimpo the Clown” and his comedy troupe are declared dead under unknown circumstances. Their bodies are shipped back to America to undergo autopsies.

Baltimore, Maryland – Ken and Jiggetts, night watchmen at the Baltimore Gazette newspaper office, haze their young new hire by making him wear an oversized uniform identifying him as Rajeeve. They also convince him that fourth guard Luca is a wanted hitman before playing human bowling with Rajeeve for his initiation.

Stoner deliverymen Rick and Matt mistakenly deliver Blimpo’s coffin to the newspaper office instead of to the medical lab nearby. In exchange for weed, Ken and Jiggetts reluctantly agree to keep the coffin in the building’s garage overnight.

Rajeeve meets the newspaper’s perverted and socially awkward boss Randall as well as maintenance man Willy. He is also introduced to Karen, an attractive reporter whom the other men ogle, and her bookish friend Penny, whom no one remembers.

While alone, Randall opens the coffin and discovers Blimpo inside. Knowing fetishists who would pay for a piece of the clown, Randall prepares to cut up the corpse. Blimpo resurrects as a vampire and attacks Randall.

Blimpo kills a man outside walking his dog. Attacks continue and the infection spreads inside and outside the building as more people are transformed into vampires.

After playing poker and brushing off complaints from annoying employee Barney, the four guards investigate the loading bay and discover the coffin empty. Rajeeve slips in a puddle of blood on the floor, causing everyone to become alarmed.

Now a vampire, Randall attacks and transforms Penny. More vampires continue overrunning the building.

Seeing that Karen is still alive on the surveillance camera, the four guards go upstairs to rescue her. Karen stabs Ken with a pencil before realizing he is still human. Karen and the four guards continue fighting off vampires, including transformed deliverymen Matt and Rick, while looking for a way out.

The quintet tries escaping in Randall’s car, but cannot find the keys. Karen decides to flee outside on her own, but a vampire horde chases her back inside. Willy comes to Karen’s rescue by staking an attacking vampire with a wooden mop handle. Another vampire kills Willy before he can tell everyone how to defeat the creatures.

Karen, Ken, Jiggetts, Luca, and Rajeeve take refuge in the security office. Vampire Willy suddenly crashes through the ceiling. They capture Willy and stake him with a plunger.

The group agrees to fight their way to the third floor to retrieve Randall’s car keys so they can escape. Everyone arms themselves with weapons and makeshift protection to prepare.

Blimpo uses his clown horn to summon more vampires to the building.

Karen and the guards fight through more vampires. They find Barney and force him to dance to prove he is human. Shortly afterward, Barney does become a vampire and they stake him.

The group eventually battles Randall and acquires his car keys before making their way back downstairs. While struggling to get the car started, vampires grab Jiggetts through the driver’s side window and pull him away. Karen becomes separated from the others in the commotion. Luca leads the vampire horde away while Ken and Rajeeve retreat to the security office.

Ken and Rajeeve reload their weapons. Despite Ken’s pep talk, Rajeeve backs out of returning to the fray and stays behind in the office. Ken leaves Rajeeve on his own.

A clown chases Ken, corners him, and prepares to attack. Having had a change of heart, Rajeeve arrives in time to stake the clown and rescue Ken.

Rajeeve takes Jiggetts’ weed stash from a locker and lights it in the ventilation system. The vampires mellow out from the marijuana smoke.

Luca rejoins Ken and Rajeeve as they rescue Karen and continue battling clownpires. Blimpo enters dragging Jiggetts, who is still alive, behind him. After Blimpo is defeated, Karen and the four guards regroup once again in the security office.

Ken convinces everyone to cut themselves so they can be covered in blood and lead the vampires into the coming sunrise. However, Ken’s watch runs fast, and the group ends up overrun by vampires while it is still dark outside. Rajeeve’s shirt is torn off in the battle, revealing a large cross tattoo on his back. Everyone uses Rajeeve’s back to repel the horde.

The sun finally comes out. Light shines through the windows, disintegrating the vampires. Ken, Jiggetts, Luca, Karen, and Rajeeve exit the building. Rajeeve tells everyone his real name is Justin. Ken tells everyone that their next step is to save the world.

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Review:

Beloved Baltimore icon ‘Blimpo the Clown’ and his comedy troupe had their traveling circus tour cut short when everyone died mysteriously in Romania.  Their bodies are coming back stateside for autopsies to figure out exactly what happened.  The coroner doesn’t have a chance to pick up his scalpel though, since two slacker deliverymen dropped off Blimpo’s coffin at a newspaper office by mistake.

Night watchmen Ken and Jiggetts are busy hazing their new hire by making him wear a uniform that says ‘Rajeeve’ and filling his head with tall tales that fourth guard Luca is a wanted hitman.  They also have their faces full of long looks on the security cameras at the office’s resident eye-catcher Karen.

Unwanted advances and rookie initiations take a backseat to bigger problems when Blimpo gets bitey, rising from the dead and sinking fangs into anyone in sight.  Deadly dominos fall quickly as employees inside and dog walkers outside turn into vampires too, with the infection spreading like wildfire.  Karen and the four hapless guards suddenly find themselves the only humans left alive.  To stay that way, they need to work together to battle back the hordes and find a way out of the building, which is now overrun by the undead.

When it comes to critiquing comedy, there is a definite difference between “this isn’t funny” and “this isn’t funny to me.”  Understanding that difference has me tempering my criticism of horror/comedy “The Night Watchmen” somewhat.  This is because I realize the film’s brand of juvenile jokes might be funny to some, even though it isn’t particularly funny to me.

Funny or not, the movie at least keeps attempts at humor coming at a steady clip.  Dialogue can’t go two sentences without someone saying something sarcastic, and two setups can’t go by without something silly happening.

“The Night Watchmen” basically bats wildly at a piñata while blindfolded, hoping for a swing that’ll burst the belly wide open.  The reality is most of those whiffs end up thudding limply or missing the target completely.

To weigh whether or not its gags are tailored to your tastes, here is the lowdown on the lowbrow level being dealt with here:

One character comments on “dirty butt juices sloshing around” as the camera cuts to a close-up of chocolate sauce oozing out of a donut eater’s mouth.  (How clever!)  One barb takes a swipe at the handsome, sparkling vampires of “Twilight.”  (How timely!)  To test the newbie’s listening skills, his mentors casually mention an employee requirement that everyone “suck each other’s dicks on Tuesday.”  (How progressive!)

Gay jokes.  Ethnic jokes.  Did I mention these vampires emit noxious fumes from their asses when they die?  “The Night Watchmen” aims so far below the belt, it misses the crotch completely and punches out its edge at the ankles.

Not helping the movie’s case is the fact that “Bloodsucking Bastards” (review here) already did the “vampires overrunning an office” premise, and did it with more consistency in its comedy.  “The Night Watchmen” takes too many lessons from the first season of “South Park” and not enough from the twentieth, emphasizing straight toilet humor and slapstick above inventive hilarity or imaginative stabs at parody.

It’s not that “The Night Watchmen” is a poorly made movie.  On the contrary, the film is impressive for a low-budget indie.  Stunts are plentiful, including one person lit on fire.  Sound design pays attention to minor ambient audio effects.  Nimble editing makes action even more energetic.  Dozens of extras feature in crowd scenes.  Actors spend most of the movie covered in red and black goop.  A seriously professional effort is certainly on display.

It comes down to whether or not farting vampire clowns getting high on weed tickles your funny bone.  One scene has survivors forcing a suspected vampire to dance in order to prove he is human.  When they don’t like his dance, they make him do another.  Then a third.  If that’s the kind of gag you haven’t outgrown, “The Night Watchmen” might be up your alley.

“Popcorn movies” is a term used to describe guilty pleasure flicks where providing mindless entertainment is the number one agenda item.  Maybe “The Night Watchmen” can be branded as a “bongwater movie,” where the intention is to be supplemental background noise for easily pleased stoners in between bites of Hostess cakes.

Not that there’s any thing wrong with good times geared toward beer drinking crowds.  Personally, I’d prefer to see an intelligent script taking the vampire clown concept to more creative places than “that’s what she said” punchlines.

75 minutes without credits makes “The Night Watchmen” a low risk investment anyway.  Just be prepared for the movie to disintegrate from your memory once you return to reality, not unlike sunlight obliterating a vampire.

Review Score:  50

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