Studio: 123 Go Films
Director: Chad Ferrin
Writer: Chad Ferrin
Producer: Robert Miano, Gina La Piana, Jeff Olan
Stars: Gina La Piana, Robert Miano, Johann Urb, Silvia Spross, Jackie Debatin, Timothy Muskatell, Nicolas Coster, Bulet Rush, Kelli Maroney
Review Score:
Summary:
A couple becomes enrapt in a cult conspiracy when they vacation in a seaside community with a secret link to ancient creatures.
Review:
I don’t think I went into “H.P. Lovecraft’s The Deep Ones” on bad faith, although I did go in with barrel bottom expectations. I’d seen two of director Chad Ferrin’s previous features, 2016 thriller “Parasites” (review here) and 2019 horror/comedy “Exorcism at 60,000 Feet” (review here). To say I wasn’t exactly won over would be understating how unimpressed I was. Both movies are janky even by DIY indie standards, and that’s putting it charitably.
Normally I wouldn’t need a third strike to know future Ferrin films would best be avoided. Yet once more the silver-tongued typing of Grimmfest’s film guide copywriter mesmerized me. Oh sure, every film festival, no matter how lauded, programs a clunker or two every year. But Grimmfest has pretty good curation to begin with and “The Deep Ones” placement was already a large leap above some of the questionable festivals where previous Ferrin joints screened. Then this passage convinced me to take an 83-minute leap of faith:
“A sly and genre-savvy splicing of H.P. Lovecraft and Ira Levin, with cinematic shout-outs to Corman, Stuart Gordon, Charles Band (whose brother Richard provides the score), and even Troma, this is a gleefully knowing slice of unabashed, unapologetic pulp horror, deftly juggling trash-exploitation tropes, camp black comedy, and an unexpectedly dark core, to delirious and disorienting effect; a riot of retro-styled schlock thrills, uncomfortable laughs, and wild-eyed weirdness, chock full of eccentric performances, odd, off-kilter sequences, and sudden shifts in tone, yet anchored by a grim narrative inevitability. It’s a whole lot of in-your-face fun.”
The movie that run-on paragraph generously describes sounds wonderfully wild. That’s not the movie “The Deep Ones” is. If I were editing the entry for brevity and accuracy, I might make it:
“A splicing of H.P. Lovecraft and Ira Levin, with cinematic shout-outs to Charles Band, this is schlock, chock full of uncomfortable performances and off-kilter shifts in tone.” That’s all that sentence needs.
What hooked me more than anything was the Charles Band reference. Fright film fans know too well that Full Moon’s current productions are total rubbish. I, like many disappointed monster kids who grew up during their ‘80s and ‘90s peak, hunger for a return to that heyday even though head honcho Charles Band demonstrates no desire to upchuck anything other than cheap chunder nowadays.
Maybe it would take a passing of the mantle to bring back the DTV Full Moon B-movies of old. Maybe Chad Ferrin came up with a little more coin than he had on prior projects and he could recreate the low-budget appeal that was en vogue in home video horror before Charles Band went full huckster. It seemed plausible, and I was willing to give “The Deep Ones” the benefit of that doubt.
Well, “The Deep Ones” doesn’t fulfill that promise either. At least it doesn’t sink to the depths of complete crap like “Corona Zombies” (review here). But if we’re going to liken “The Deep Ones” to a Full Moon feature, then the film’s unknown cast and shot-on-digital sheen give it more in common with the shagginess of “Gingerdead Man vs. Evil Bong” than with the late-night Lovecraftian allure of “Castle Freak.”
The story starts with Alex and her husband Petri, whose irrelevant Finnish heritage is specified often as though the audience needs his accent explained, renting a seaside house in a California beach community. The couple is celebrating their third anniversary. Apparently they had f*ck all planned for the milestone because they’re ready, willing, and able to do whatever the homeowners renting out the house propose.
Who wouldn’t want to spend the first night of vacation drinking homemade wine with an unfamiliar old couple? Oh, your wife wakes up sick? No problem, leave her alone in bed while you spend sunup to sundown on our boat. Besides, her friend Deb is coming by later to put a fifth wheel on a companion cart that already has six. What an ideal way to spend a second honeymoon!
Naturally, this cozy colony hides a cult-connected secret that’ll bring a yawn to the face of anyone remotely familiar with “Rosemary’s Baby,” let alone Lovecraft. Petri predictably gets sucked into the conspiracy after getting a tentacle lashing from what looks like a novelty gummy rope being furiously flung by a first-time puppeteer. The titular water monsters barely get any more screen time than that. When Dagon himself rises from the sea for the climax, he seems to have stepped off the stage of a 1950s atomic monster ripoff rather than from unfathomable eons out of time.
“The Deep Ones” is weird. But it’s weird in a low-grade production kind of way, not like David Lynch weird.
For instance, Timothy Muskatell plays Dr. Gene Rayburn, who is female despite being presumably played by a male and named after one too. I don’t know if the actor identifies as female, or if the character is supposed to be transsexual, a transvestite, or simply a woman. I also don’t know if the movie means to have some sort of message with this curious casting. Like, are viewers supposed to be weirded out by the gender swap or pay it no mind at all because Muskatell just happened to be an available body who fit into the wardrobe? I can’t tell whether the film is being inclusive or insensitive.
“Match Game” host Gene Rayburn isn’t the only nod to throwback TV. “The Deep Ones” has a peculiar fascination with name-dropping classic small screen characters. It makes references to Andy Griffith, Mr. Furley, and Lucille Ball as if the movie takes place in 1976 instead of 2020.
Adhering to retro traditions, “The Deep Ones” goes old school by adding unnecessary nudity. Lead actress Gina La Piana goes topless for a sex scene as well as a shower scene. Another woman gets naked too, though you’ll need to match the movie’s bizarre pregnancy fetish to see her seduction sequences as sexy.
What else is weird? Interrupting improvisation when actors occasionally talk over one another. A post-credits comedic coda that features two separate men masturbating. A goofy Richard Band score whose whistling theremin sounds like it should accompany silver-painted paper plates on a string. Oh, the house where most of the movie takes place looks nice. I can offer that much as a piece of positive praise.
While nowhere near as flattering as what Grimmfest wrote, my preceding description is more representative of the awkwardly oddball flick “The Deep Ones” is, not the fun midnight movie you have to willingly look at with rose-colored lenses to see. One thing working in director Chad Ferrin’s favor is that the three films of his I’ve seen have progressively increased five points per review score. At this rate, it will only take six more movies before he gets one in the green.
NOTE: There is a post-credits scene.
Review Score: 45
If you want to see impossible amounts of blood explode crimson colors like the world’s worst version of a gender reveal, well, “Abigail” at least has that.