Studio: Lionsgate
Director: Thomas J. Churchill
Writer: Thomas J. Churchill
Producer: Binh Dang, Timothy Marlowe, Thomas J. Churchill, Phillip B. Goldfine
Stars: Trey McCurley, Alex Rinehart, David B. Meadows, Augie Duke, Tuesday Knight, Katarina Leigh Waters
Review Score:
Summary:
The search for missing women leads a detective to a halfway house where priests and nuns cover up a werewolf conspiracy.
Review:
You shouldn’t be reading this. I’m not saying you should click away, although I do wonder why you’re checking out a review for “The Amityville Moon.” No one can possibly need a critic to tell them the movie is terrible, can they? Maybe you’re reading this after seeing the flick for yourself, and you just want to make sure you’re not the only person whose head was left spinning from its awfulness?
In any event, what I mean is, you shouldn’t be reading this because I shouldn’t have written it. I shouldn’t have written it because I shouldn’t have bothered with the film in the first place. Like, who in their right mind would willingly watch a no-budget werewolf indie with the word “Amityville” in its title expecting anything other than B-grade badness?
Seriously, what am I even doing with my time? I know I’m kind of “known” for being one of the few people who reviews disposable Amityville dreck, to the point where it’s pretty much an ongoing joke now. But I’ve got to tell you, cheap chunder is really, truly taking a toll on my wellbeing. I’d hate to give any one single Amityville movie the power of being the straw that breaks this camel’s back. But “The Amityville Moon” causes me to once again question, how many more times can I keep subjecting myself to additional Amityville atrocities? I’m so drained I can’t even come up with funny dunks anymore.
DIY Amityville indies aren’t “review proof” in the traditional sense, where fans fawn all over a film or throw the same amount of money/attention toward it regardless of what a critic says. They’re “review proof” in that the same review applies to virtually all of these similarly sloppy movies. As long as I refrain from referencing specific plot details, I could reuse the same template over and over again, plugging in “Amityville (Whatever)” in blank spaces and essentially using the same 750 words to say, “Yep, it’s as dreadful as you thought it was going to be.”
In true Amityville indie fashion, “The Amityville Moon” has nothing to do with Long Island’s legendary haunting. No one ever says the word “Amityville” out loud, which is kind of criminal considering the script contains an absolutely absurd amount of pointless dialogue. “Amityville” couldn’t have been worked in one time? Or is this yet another case of something becoming an Amityville movie after the fact? The word only appears in onscreen text identifying the location where the story supposedly takes place, and on a few building placards in the opening credits montage.
There is a werewolf however. If you consider someone in a rubber Halloween mask and feral Chuck E. Cheese costume to be a menacing movie monster, that is.
Let’s see, what else do we always get with these? Amateur acting? Of course “The Amityville Moon” has that too. Although I will say, almost everyone in the cast has a professional headshot on IMDB for a change. With first-time “friends and family” actors on backyard bargain movies, usually you only see blank avatars. Several performers here are even recognizable from other B-movies, provided you’re familiar with Full Moon chunder like “Corona Zombies” (review here) or “Barbie and Kendra Save the Tiger King.” (Although oddly, Charles Band regular Cody Renee Cameron features prominently in “The Amityville Moon,” yet isn’t listed in the credits, either intentionally or unintentionally omitted.) A couple of cast members also get a few scenes to actually act with tear-filled emotional moments, so at least they have something to do besides spit out dialogue or hide with hands over their mouths.
An okay (by these standards) cast makes “The Amityville Moon” marginally better than most DTV Amityville movies. Mind you, “better” is a highly relative term given the extraordinarily low bar being worked with at this level.
Whatever small points may fall in this film’s favor are quickly negated by boringly bland camera positions, a clunky screenplay stuffed with objectively unnecessary scenes, and “scares” no one could possibly take seriously. You know, the usual itinerary for another forgettable Amityville flick. It’s enough to make someone solemnly swear off watching anything with “Amityville” in the title ever again. Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll see you right back here next time with “Amityville Mummy,” “Amityville Ouija,” or “Amityville Ouija Mummy” or whatever.
Review Score: 30
If you want to see impossible amounts of blood explode crimson colors like the world’s worst version of a gender reveal, well, “Abigail” at least has that.