Studio: Netflix
Director: Adam Randall
Writer: Brent Dillon
Producer: Vincent Gatewood, Ben Pugh, Charlie Morrison
Stars: Jorge Lendeborg Jr., Debby Ryan, Lucy Fry, Raul Castillo, Alexander Ludwig, Sydney Sweeney, Megan Fox, Alfie Allen, Marlene Forte, Ash Santos
Review Score:
Summary:
While chauffeuring two alluring women around Los Angeles, a struggling college student learns he unwittingly became part of a plot where vampires plan to take over the city.
Review:
Whenever I write a review, I consciously try to avoid saying anything that might expressly “date” my words to when I wrote them. For instance, I refrain from relative declarations like, “Such-and-Such is the latest film from So-and-So” or, “This is the third movie this month to deal with last year’s presidential election.” Statements like those have short shelf lives tied to specific times. And how do I know you’re reading within the same week or two when something was released? Maybe it’s 2025 and you’re just finding this now. If so, please tell me COVID-19 was completely defeated and the planet currently enjoys an unprecedented period of peace and prosperity, yeah?
Come to think of it, I would be just as interested in finding out why you’re catching up on “Night Teeth” four years after its 2021 debut. Seems like an odd scenario because “Night Teeth” is a near-perfect example of another ordinary thriller unceremoniously shoveled onto Netflix during an overcrowded October. You know, a mediocre movie people can’t really forget because it’s highly unlikely they’ll ever remember it in the first place.
Here’s the setup. A longstanding agreement between both sides keeps vampires quietly existing alongside humans in Los Angeles. As long as they stay underground, never feed on unwilling victims, and stay out of Boyle Heights (huh?), the bloodsuckers will be left alone to do what they do in secret.
Victor, a lower-level lackey in the vampire hierarchy, has tired of this truce. Played by “Game of Throne’s” Alfie Allen, Victor is as stereotypically stale as suit-wearing movie villains come. When he has a wordy diatribe to deliver, he does so while sipping fine liquor. When time comes to condescendingly explain his master plan’s motivation to an angry hero, it’s between bites of an equally fine meal while seated at a table. If the camera pulled further back in that shot, I’d expect to see his other hand stroking a lap cat with white fur.
Unsatisfied with his position in their org chart, Victor enlists his lover Zoe and her best friend Blaire (I always love it when I have to double-check what a main character’s name was mere minutes after finishing a film – a great sign of a story’s lack of lasting impact) in a plot to take down their neck-biting bosses and take over the city. Victor also tries to recruit Jay, a chauffeur who holds up the human end of the bargain in Boyle Heights. However, Jay wants nothing to do with Victor’s vampire coup, so his girlfriend getting kidnapped is the price Jay pays for defiance.
Since he’s distracted with restoring order, Jay isn’t available for his regular driving gig. That’s where Benny, Jay’s struggling student brother, comes in. Although Jay remains reluctant to get his brother involved, Benny takes his place on a job escorting Zoe and Blaire all over the city to disrupt the nightlife network of “blood clubs.” Benny has no idea what he’s gotten into, but he gradually finds himself at the center of a war with fangs on one side, crossbows on the other, and a newfound crush on one of the girls in between.
Including end credits, “Night Teeth” runs one hour and 47 minutes, which is at least 20 minutes too many for its brand of medium-temperature chills. While it definitely doesn’t move like Speedy Gonzales, I wouldn’t say the measured pace feels particularly glacial either. It’s more so that many scenes get tied up in dialogue-heavy development or establishing atmosphere, then staying put in those moments long after their purpose has passed. As an Angelino, I generally enjoy seeing my city onscreen. But damn, Gina. “Night Teeth’s” second unit went overboard on B-roll, and the editor allowed every single second of it to remain in the movie.
At a script development stage, I might have suggested juicing up casual energy by adding one big boss to be Victor’s foil. He and Jay share very few scenes together, so their rivalry never heats up with high stakes worth investing in. The vampire bosses are almost irrelevant entities, so we don’t get much intensity out of those conflicts either. Sydney Sweeney and Megan Fox will no doubt bring eyes to “Night Teeth,” except they highlight what’s lacking on the antagonist end by appearing in only one scene that lasts just four minutes. A dearth of significant substance stakes this film right through its heart.
Visually, “Night Teeth” at least looks terrific. Actors are certainly attractive. A rich gleam also lights Los Angeles like an Argento-adjacent giallo, with neon bleeding into nighttime exteriors for uncharacteristically colorful darkness. If the screenplay had as much style as the cinematography, there might be more to talk about. Wait, I just remembered it’s 2025. At a conservative rate of just one per week, that means Netflix has churned out a minimum of 208 more factory-made films since “Night Teeth.” Tell me then, did they get any more memorable?
Review Score: 55
If you want to see impossible amounts of blood explode crimson colors like the world’s worst version of a gender reveal, well, “Abigail” at least has that.