Studio: NBC
Director: Gordon Hessler
Writer: Jan Michael Sherman, Don Buday
Producer: Terry Morse Jr.
Stars: Peter Criss, Ace Frehley, Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Anthony Zerbe, Carmine Caridi, Deborah Ryan
Review Score:
Summary:
KISS must use their superpowers to defeat a demented inventor determined to destroy a theme park using animatronic robots.
Review:
“Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park” is second only to “The Star Wars Holiday Special” if we were to rank embarrassing asterisks of pop culture ephemera that property stakeholders prefer to pretend don’t exist. Of the infamous Bea Arthur-starring special, unproven urban legend attributes this quote to George Lucas: “if I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it.” As amusing as those words are, Lucas almost certainly didn’t say them. Yet the fact that the ‘Life Day’ variety program only exists in bootleg format nevertheless suggests even the money mongers at Disney would rather keep it in cobwebs like a mutant stepchild chained in an attic. “Elmore who?”
Originally aired as a made-for-TV movie on NBC in 1978, just three weeks before “The Star Wars Holiday Special” incidentally (what a time for network television WTFs), “Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park” at least received an official VHS release in 1988. The film briefly appeared on DVD too, although only the European cut, which made it to one of the discs in the “Kissology volume 2” box set from 2007.
As of 2023, there still isn’t a standalone home video release on a modern format. Keep in mind Kiss slaps their name on anything and everything from condoms to coffins. They have nearly no shame when it comes to self-promotion and merchandising. For Kiss to disown a revenue stream and leave even ten cents on the table really says something about how far in the ground Gene and Paul want to see this thing permanently buried.
Taking the anecdotes in author C.K. Lendt’s 1997 biography “Kiss and Sell” at face value, the band went as far as forbidding employees from mentioning the movie in their presence for years after its initial airing. Gene Simmons softened his stance only slightly when he later told VH1, “it’s a classic movie … if you’re on drugs.”
Ace Frehley on the other hand, took the flick’s frivolity in stride. Ace told an interviewer in 2018, “I think it’s hysterical, and I think it’s campy and I think it’s a silly rock ‘n’ roll movie … (Gene and Paul) took the film so g*ddamn seriously that it just ruined it for them when they saw the final cut, because they expected ‘Gone with the Wind’.”
Paul might not have expected “Gone with the Wind” exactly, but he did expect “Star Wars” meets “A Hard Day’s Night.” That’s how the project was pitched to him back when management was refashioning the band’s Demon, Star Child, Space Ace, and Cat Man personas into Marvel Comics superheroes. “Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park” subsequently sought to pit the quartet’s kooky cosmic powers (which they obtain from magic talismans protected by a mystic forcefield) against demented theme park engineer Abner Devereaux and his rampaging robot creations. When not firing laser blasts from their eyes or teleporting at the snap of Ace’s fingers, Kiss keeps park attendees entertained with a few of their world-famous concerts too.
Regarding how laughably the movie’s premise plays out in practice, Peter Criss moaned, “I can’t see John Lennon getting beat up by Dracula. And I can’t see Mick Jagger wrestling with Frankenstein.” I don’t know, Peter. I would be first in line to see either one of those movies.
Not that I don’t understand where Peter, Paul, and Gene are coming from. Acting. Writing. Effects. Story. No matter the measurement, “Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park” is inarguably awful in every regard.
But Ace’s more jovial take on the whole fiasco has the right idea when one reexamines the film under the forgiving light of nostalgic nuttiness. Objectively bad though it may be, “Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park” is pure Wisconsin cheddar, as extra sharp as it can possibly be cut. And wow does it taste terrific now that it’s aged with over 40 years of flavor.
I don’t understand why the terrible mimes playing animatronic men move like colossal Ken dolls with Slinkies for joints. Are park patrons supposed to be entertained by stiff mannequins performing exaggerated versions of ‘The Robot’ dance? I also can’t imagine why anyone involved in the scene where park security confronts Kiss would say, “let’s stage this at a pool where the band sits in high lifeguard chairs while wearing glittery robes for some reason.” And why in the world does changing the lyrics of “Hotter than Hell” to “Rip and Destroy” instantly inspire fans to boo the band and riot?
The movie is at least upfront about its ham-handed goofiness from the get go. Opening credits feature Peter playing air drums in a carnival ride car poorly green-screened over a Magic Mountain montage while “Rock and Roll All Night” blares in the background. When the band finally arrives for their first performance (half an hour into the film), they appear from the sky in a flash of animated lightning. Paul shoots a beam from his face that he somehow uses as a ramp to descend to the stage.
By the time end credits roll, you will have seen Gene Simmons set a mummy on fire, Paul Stanley battle a werewolf with less chest hair than him, Peter Criss karate kick something vaguely resembling a morlock, and Ace Frehley bafflingly uttering “ack!” on multiple occasions. Basically, exactly what one should expect of a kid-friendly TV movie partly produced by cartoon kings Hanna-Barbera. I don’t believe being a Kiss fan is essential to appreciating the enjoyable absurdity of these bizarrely conceived beats but of course, it certainly helps.
Buffoonery didn’t exclusively occur onscreen. A fair amount took place behind the scenes too. Peter apparently couldn’t be bothered to loop his dialogue in ADR, which the movie uses extensively to almost obscene degrees. Veteran voice actor Michael Bell, aka Duke from G.I. Joe among other things, does Cat Man’s lines instead. Ace stormed off set at least once and repeatedly crashed his moped around Six Flags while sodding off between takes. Paul’s disinterested acting is so hilariously wooden, Star Child may as well have been played by Pinocchio.
“Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park” must have been a contractual obligation that sped into production so fast, no one had time to properly vet the script’s quality. Supposedly the script wasn’t finished when the camera started rolling anyway, which would explain the hokey hackiness of several scenes that were probably a product of improv. It’s hard to imagine Gene Simmons, someone so notoriously controlling of his image, willingly signing off on a screenplay where he roars like the MGM lion, performs Bionic Woman leaps over fences, and smashes breakaway wood while tearing through a concession stand.
“Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park” regularly refuses to make sense as a story or even as a promotional vehicle for the band. Oddly though, the vulnerability it gives Kiss by portraying them as live-action cartoons to be affectionately mocked accounts for much of the movie’s endearing charm.
Three-fourths of the band’s original members may not have a sense of humor about the film they wish could be completely forgotten. But if you do, there’s a lot of fun to be had again and again. It’s a terrific piece of kitsch in a Saturday morning silliness sort of way and honestly, it’s not even close to the most regrettable project Kiss has ever participated in. “Music from ‘The Elder’” anyone?
Review Score: 75
If you want to see impossible amounts of blood explode crimson colors like the world’s worst version of a gender reveal, well, “Abigail” at least has that.