Studio: Brink Vision
Director: Frank W. Montag
Writer: Mario von Czapiewski
Producer: Mario von Czapiewski, Frank W. Montag
Stars: Alexandra Lesch, Kristiana Rohder, Lara Baum, Alexandra Jordan, Violetta Schurawlow, Indira Madison, Mike Zick, Dominik Schneider, Celina Klemenz
A camping holiday turns into a nightmare when six German models are stalked by a family of mutated cannibals.
Once in a while, a movie comes along that makes writing the review an experience similar to what it might have been like for Babe Ruth to take batting practice in a slow pitch softball cage. Which is to say that articulating an opinion, summarizing the film, and deciding on a thumbs up or a thumbs down is so criminally easy that it is nearly impossible to not hit a grand slam even with a lazy swing.
The plotline can purposefully be described in a single sentence. Six German models go camping in the wounds and run afoul of a small family of mutated humanoids. Even as a throwback to that sub-genre slice of schlock where fun can be found in a low-rent movie with such a mindless setup, “Cannibal Diner” is still a dismal letdown. For a movie that intentionally touts its selling points as the inclusion of catwalk caliber women and cannibalistic creatures, “Cannibal Diner” seriously underwhelms on the delivery of both items.
As soon as the first trio of girls makes camp, one woman takes off her top in preparation for making out with another model after that one finishes snorting a line of cocaine. Shortly thereafter, cut to an extended montage of another girl taking a shower for the duration of the opening credits, and nudity appears to be a hot item on the movie’s menu. Horndogs will be disappointed when they realize that this one bottomless scene and that one topless scene is all they will get. After the title cards, gratuitous shots of short-shorts clad asses and blood covered cleavage are the only substitutes for juvenile thrills for the remainder of the runtime.
On the monster front, sunburned Smurfs stand in as the cannibals. Caked in dark blue paint while licking their Halloween vampire teeth, the movie’s monsters are only slightly more menacing than the three-apple-high cartoon forest dwellers.
Three of the six girls die before the opening credits. Another pair is dispatched without ever coming into contact with any of their friends. That leaves just Final Girl to occupy the majority of the minutes by walking around in forests, along roads, and inside an abandoned building in her futile effort to keep the audience awake. When action finally does take place, several moments perplexingly switch to slow motion, either to make the movie last longer than one hour or to highlight how ridiculously wide of the target the cannibals swing their clubbed weapons.
For better or for worse, mostly for worse, “Cannibal Diner” knows exactly what it is doing. There is no nobler of an intention on display here than to fill the screen with breasts and beasts as a sleazy appeal to the stoner set of easily amused horror moviegoers. The film is not even ashamed of the fact that it blatantly apes scenes from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” shot for shot as if Gus Van Sant himself were behind the lens. Some shaky night vision “found footage” and a growling soundtrack from metal bands named Demon Boy, Alien Vampires, and Sonic Thrill round out the kitchen sink of dead horse horror movie clichés.
“Cannibal Diner” is unapologetically intended for an audience that is still giddily entertained by the sight of buxom ladies traipsing through dark hallways while pursued by dime store monsters foaming at the mouth with prop blood. Those who outgrew this exploitative formula of horror cinema back when Ronald Reagan was still the U.S. president can leave the uninspired movie in its rightful place at the bottom of the bargain bin.
Review Score: 20