Studio: Deviant Pictures
Director: Tommy Golden, Daniel Emery Taylor
Writer: Daniel Emery Taylor, Jim O’Rear
Producer: Jim O’Rear
Stars: Jim O’Rear, Jason Crowe, Robyn Shute, Alicia Clark, Daniel Emery Taylor, John Dugan, April Burril, Scott Tepperman
A ghost hunt at a reportedly haunted hospital uncovers a deviant madman linked to an underground snuff film ring.
“Creepy, violent, bloody and fun!” raves “Horror Movie News Outlet” on the box cover of “The Hospital.” Who is Horror Movie News Outlet? If anyone knows, it isn’t Google. Searching for those four words appearing in that order returns exactly two results, both of which come from unrelated comments in IGN’s Google+ profile.
“Plenty of twists, surprises and fun,” proclaims the other critic quote, this time attributed to “The Horror Files.” If you’re interested, the good news is that the domain names horrorfiles.com, thehorrorfiles.com, and even horrorfiles.net are all currently for sale. But if you want a pull quote from a verifiable source, the bad news is that “The Hospital” does not seem to have a legitimate one.
Of the ten unanimously glowing user reviews on IMDb at the time of this writing, half of which are perfect tens, seven are from users whose only review is of this movie. Of those seven, five have join dates not-so-coincidentally identical to the date their reviews were posted. One of those users’ only other IMDB activity is a post on “The Hospital” co-creator/star Daniel Emery Taylor’s page with the subject line “Why is this guy not famous yet?” A second user’s only other contribution is a list titled “5 Most Talented Men in Independent Films.” Guess who two of those five men are? Hint: they both have something to do with “The Hospital.” Gee fellas, shill much?
So here is a film critic quote that is 100% unaffiliated with the production, 100% honest, and 100% accurate. “The Hospital” is terrible.
In the movie’s defense, “The Hospital” is at least upfront from the beginning that it is going to suck. It all but demands to be turned off within the first five minutes, and I would have gladly done just that had writing this review not required a complete viewing. Before the rookie acting and unlit camera work even reach full speed in the barely there story, the opening credits provide fair warning with an indescribably awful pseudo-hip-hop song featuring the ridiculous refrain of, “don’t look back, ‘cause Stanley’s gonna getcha!”
The Stanley who is “gonna getcha” is a mongoloid maniac who populates his torture chamber with kidnapped women. Meanwhile, a group of ghost hunters investigates an allegedly haunted hospital where- you know what? It doesn’t matter. What they really should be investigating is the mystery of how a homemade movie produced by apparent amateurs made it to a DVD release on Amazon. Or how so many women willingly appeared nude in a movie that no parents would ever be proud of.
It is not hyperbole when I say I feel sorry for the people who committed themselves to the permanence of this film without knowing any better about the low-grade production they were really making. Earning particular sympathy is John Dugan of the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” whose character is violated with a softball bat-sized dildo affixed to a power drill in a scene sure to be excluded from his demo reel.
“The Hospital” contains no less than ten graphic depictions of onscreen rape, two instances of necrophilia, a canvas painted with sperm, urine, and feces, and numerous other sequences with no nobler purpose than excusing the writer/director/stars’ manhandling of female body parts in the name of a movie with no redeeming qualities. Other than the aforementioned “Horror Movie News Outlet” and “The Horror Files,” there certainly isn’t any authentic critic who would ever label this kind of content as “fun.”
Respectable filmmaking standards are disregarded alongside decency and sensible storytelling. Mismatched editing conspicuously works around an actor wearing eyeglasses in one setup, but not in the reverse. Skin tones change abruptly from one shot to the next thanks to a cheap camera that never sees its white balance button pressed. Sound effects are pulled from a dollar store Halloween CD, and ugly digital enhancements look like they were spliced in using an Amiga computer.
“The Hospital” is depraved trash without any sense of cinematic style or professional production value. And there is no reason to watch it unless you are a friend of one of the filmmakers. Even then, the time would be better spent finding new friends.
Review Score: 0